Beware what you tell yourself

(Originally published 29 October 2012 as What we do to ourselves) 

I was taking a break and journaling after a stint of decluttering and organizing work. As soon as I wrote it, this sentence jumped off the page at me: "I was feeling frantic and not far from tears earlier, thinking 'I can't do this anymore!' and then wondering why and how I keep doing this to myself."

The first "do this" (as in I can't anymore) was the sorting, the deciding is it trash? do I keep it? where should it go? Occasionally the answer is obvious and the choice easy to make. But more often, I'm not sure; a whole host of questions and considerations and options come up, and I don't know what's the best thing to do, and I often end up putting it in an undecided category and postponing the determination.

The second "do this" (as in why do I keep doing this to myself?) was my wail of despair not unlike the blogs I sometimes read by Sparkers disgusted and frustrated with their weight loss "failures." I am compassionate & encouraging in my comments, sharing some of the things that have helped me move from an obese BMI to the threshold of a healthy one.

I don't know why losing weight has been relatively easy for me (70 pounds shed over about 2 years), or why getting rid of my clutter is much harder for me, or why (as I've long recognized and stated before) I'm more ashamed of my clutter than I ever was of my fat.

I never really fell into the trap of hating myself for my lack of control over my eating or drinking. (I'll be 3 years sober this coming January.) I never felt my fat defined me, nor did I consider myself as bad or weak then, and good and strong now. I'm sure happier and healthier, more energetic and focused now, and content to maintain the habits I've cultivated.

It's harder for me to be OK with my messes that negatively impact my life and prevent me from experiencing greater comfort, ease and flow in my home, or support and focus in my life, my activities, pursuing my dreams. I understand the self-blame of my overweight sisters ('nobody held a gun to my head,' 'I put it in my own mouth'), since I live alone except for my indoor cat, who shares no responsibility for the disorganization around here.

Actually, I wasn't sure where this blog was headed beyond what I've already written, but I just had a flash. I had assumed that babysteps, which worked so well for me in losing weight, would help me win the Conquer Clutter Campaign, and I've been puzzled that my progress on that front has been less steady and noticeable. Part of the ease with losing weight was that I basically knew what to do—eat less and move more, so I just needed to discover what changes in exercise and diet I could introduce and enjoy, that were easy to maintain.

Getting organized is less intuitive for me, and sure I've read bunches of books that tell me exactly what I have to do to be perfect in that regard, but I'm no more willing or able to be that person than I am to weigh, measure and track every calorie, nutrient and bite, or to commit to this or that formula of cardio plus strength training to reach this heart rate or that other measure, whatever it may be. (Ick! Ack! Pooey!)

Maybe it can be as easy as eat less and move more. What I bring into my home is akin to what I eat. So learn to do it mindfully. Why is it coming in? Does it have a place or purpose? One routine I'm working on cultivating is seeing the putting away as part of a chore—go grocery shopping and put everything away, including the cloth & insulated bags, do the laundry and put the clothes into the closet and dresser drawers. I'm still working on doing this with the mail, since I have less control over what comes in, but that's where I can focus attention on trying out new systems & skills like I might with new meal plans.

Decluttering is like exercise—the answer to stored fat—do it enough, and it starts to disappear. Just as I've tried this and that and found what works best for me in terms of physical activities, recognizing that sometimes I have more energy to work out longer and harder, I need to remember that I can build my purging muscles, too. I may need to continue mixing it up and experimenting to find the best times of day, longer stretches or more tiny segments broken up, music or other entertainment to distract, energize or soothe?

I don't know why, but somehow this new perspective of how I view the process is already making it seem less scary and foreign, and something I can do that will just take the time it takes. That equanimity and confidence that I can make progress and reach my goals that blessed my weight loss efforts, may actually be attainable for me in this more challenging (for me) arena. Awesome!