Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 14 January 2021 )   [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know ...

(Originally published 4 August 2018)  Just over 3 years ago, I shared a blog Breathing in the Day. I still haven't gotten a promotion or found a new job despite consistent seeking and submitting applications; I'm waiting to hear whether I'll be invited to a second interview on government application #80. But I'm in a good place emotionally. I'm not seeing a therapist anymore because I'm pretty happy the majority of the time. And though I don't struggle emotionally the way I used to, and I handle stresses at work much more successfully, I still practice my morning journaling — including Breathing in the Day. It helps me set intentions for what I want to experience and manifest. And while in the early days I changed up what I wrote, and paired different words and varied the number of pairs, I've settled on a pattern that I really like of 18 pairs. I like them, and they are easy for me to remember, but they are no better than what someone might choose for...

(Originally published 6 November 2016)  Some of you know I have a very unsatisfactory state job, which I've been trying to leave for several years — 51 state, county, college, and city job applications submitted and counting. We're overworked and underpaid, and plagued with poor management. It's not all bad, but there's sadly a great deal of negativity to deal with. So what's a body to do? I can't pretend that everything's fine. I may use affirmations, and do my best to focus on the positive, but I won't lie to myself about what's true. So when the annual statewide survey went online, I told them truthfully just how bad the working environment and organizational culture are. And when they asked for my opinion in essay  format,  rather than multiple choice — oh, yeah! I totally let them have it. Unfortunately, when forced to look hard at all the things that are wrong, and to articulate the issues (which is one of my strengths), it tends to leave me ...

(Originally published 20 February 2016)  "Maybe you can't rewrite history, but it's not too late to change the future if you set your mind to it." I shared this quote from a magical mystery, Ghost of a Potion by Heather Blake, in my status this morning. I find this profoundly wise. Whether we are regretting a poor choice (in eating, spending, not putting things away) or recalling a major trauma we've experienced, we cannot change what has already occurred. We can, however, change our internal dialog, and the choices we make next. (That's how I interpret "changing the future by setting your mind to it.") I find I'm much happier when I choose not to grind on misfortune, mistreatment by another, or mistakes I've made. It can be helpful to recognize how certain experiences have shaped our thinking and reactions, or to see our patterns and the consequences of our choices. But focusing on negative results isn't very motivating or empowering...

(Originally published 30 May 2015)  A teammate asked for any advice to prepare her for her first mammogram, and this is what I shared: I didn't have a mammogram until after I turned 50, and out of the 4 I've had, 2 went well and 2 triggered PTSD episodes. Things I've found that can help: Schedule extra time, so you aren't rushed. If you can control the pressure knob/dial/pedal, it's easier to take your time and be with the discomfort when someone else isn't "doing it to you." K eep breathing! Don't be afraid to halt the procedure if you're getting freaked, or if your tech is causing problems. I wish I had been stronger on this last time. Bring a champion to help you stay present, watch your reactions, and intercede if necessary. My sister is going to do this for me next time, as she did so well with my dental procedures. Warn them ahead of your issues (with the large numbers of abuse survivors, they should be sensitive to all this already!) a...

(Originally published 7 January 2014)  This was my most recent status: “Anger over a situation at work is motivating me to make plans to address my own situation as well as the larger issues. It's unsettling, but empowering. Trying NOT to stay stuck in anger or hurt.” The latter has been hard. As I was trying to do an Oprah/Chopra meditation on CD this morning, I started weeping, then began repeating the EFT tapping routine just to bring some emotional relief. I was journaling over my morning coffee (fully recognizing that my PTS has been triggered over issues about being taken advantage of at work) when I wrote this: "I want to keep remembering and affirming that I deserve better. I deserve fair pay and treatment at work. I deserve an abundant salary for the value of my work. I deserve to be treated with respect and care. I deserve to be free of a toxic, dysfunctional environment." Especially with that last statement, something shifted. I went on to journal "T...

(Originally published 18 August 2012)  It all started with reading a great blog by my  Spark Friend  Ronnie back on March 28, One Thing I Know..... There Will Always Be Excuses. She shares her regret at giving up on learning to skateboard with her grandson because she fell so many times her first time trying. I like her observation that beginnings are rarely pretty, and "sometimes you suck at it so move on and you will get better." In my comment I thanked her for the inspiration, and wrote: "The thing I have been wanting to try and thinking about is learning self-defense. I was just thinking about it again this morning, and I'm choosing to take your timely blog as a sign that I am meant to go for it. I will start researching options and report within days." It actually took me longer than that to take action. But I finally Googled 'self-defense' 'women' 'Tukwila' (my city) and got a few local martial arts schools, including one in Sea...

(Originally published 19 April 2012)  I had an epiphany of sorts in the shower this morning, which is where they often seem to come to me, and I hope I can recall those thoughts that flowed through my consciousness some eleven hours ago. I think I had been repeating some of the affirmations I've developed to encourage a shift in my attitudes around organizing and decluttering: "I easily let go of what I no longer need; I joyfully release all that does not serve me." (I like that this can apply to excess weight, limiting beliefs, judgements, toxic relationships, not just clutter.) "I easily choose a good place for what I own; I enjoy putting things in a good home." I was contemplating the decisions that have to be made — do I keep it? where should it go? how often does it get used? where do I use it? is it easy to access? should it be stored? where? in what? — in decluttering, and how overwhelming answering all those questions can be. In trying to reframe h...

(Originally published 2 June 2012)  This blog has grown out of a comment I wrote, responding to a comment on my Be a Warrior blog. (I think that blog is one of my best & most important, up there with Let Me Be Your Mirror and It Doesn't Have to Be Hard.) This is the first time I've posted 2 comments, myself, in response to the comments of Spark Friends. This is the comment I just wrote: "I personally don't choose to focus on trying to understand why my father abused me. I know I did not deserve to be abused, to be made to feel helpless or unloved. And I know that I am not helpless anymore. I am strong, and getting stronger all the time. I choose to love and nurture myself with healthy eating and exercise. I do my best to remove negative thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with hopeful, empowering, loving affirmations and habits. My current focus, now that I've been quite successful at releasing my excess weight, is on creating a beautiful & ...