Amanda's Musings

Back when I was a member of Spark People, before they closed down their free fitness and social media site, I would blog periodically and those posts could potentially be seen by hundreds or even thousands of Sparkers, though I typically would get just a small handful of responses. I reposted many of the hundred-plus blogs I posted there over 10 years or so on this site, but those have not been seen by more than a few former Spark Friends. My PTSD has been triggered quite a bit over the past months, and my therapist has encouraged me to use my voice to speak about some of the events that have so deeply affected me. The abortion rights debate and the recent mass shootings have elicited especially strong emotions, so I have committed to speaking out. My first substantive blog in almost 10 months, which I will post next, is " Hypocrisy of the 'Pro Birth' Zealots. " 

(Originally published 29 February 2020)  I knew it was coming up, but I actually missed my own 10-year sobriety anniversary! It got eclipsed by official notification of my career position—ending a 14-month temporary assignment (which had been extended 3 months beyond the original 12) & the increasingly anxious 7-month job hunt for a more secure placement. But I know this is a major milestone, and I want to acknowledge it. Getting and staying sober was also the beginning of my journey away from obesity to greater wellness. It’s not that I was completely unhealthy before. I was into personal growth and working on my PTS issues, I ate lots of vegetable, I exercised some and was proud of my flexibility. Even at my heaviest (215 pounds on a 5’3” frame), I could bend at the waist and place my hands flat on the floor. I had tried to get sober with AA back in California, but had several unfortunate experiences that, as an incest survivor, made me feel unsafe in meetings and with sp...

(Originally published 30 May 2015)  A teammate asked for any advice to prepare her for her first mammogram, and this is what I shared: I didn't have a mammogram until after I turned 50, and out of the 4 I've had, 2 went well and 2 triggered PTSD episodes. Things I've found that can help: Schedule extra time, so you aren't rushed. If you can control the pressure knob/dial/pedal, it's easier to take your time and be with the discomfort when someone else isn't "doing it to you." K eep breathing! Don't be afraid to halt the procedure if you're getting freaked, or if your tech is causing problems. I wish I had been stronger on this last time. Bring a champion to help you stay present, watch your reactions, and intercede if necessary. My sister is going to do this for me next time, as she did so well with my dental procedures. Warn them ahead of your issues (with the large numbers of abuse survivors, they should be sensitive to all this already!) a...

(Originally published 7 January 2014)  This was my most recent status: “Anger over a situation at work is motivating me to make plans to address my own situation as well as the larger issues. It's unsettling, but empowering. Trying NOT to stay stuck in anger or hurt.” The latter has been hard. As I was trying to do an Oprah/Chopra meditation on CD this morning, I started weeping, then began repeating the EFT tapping routine just to bring some emotional relief. I was journaling over my morning coffee (fully recognizing that my PTS has been triggered over issues about being taken advantage of at work) when I wrote this: "I want to keep remembering and affirming that I deserve better. I deserve fair pay and treatment at work. I deserve an abundant salary for the value of my work. I deserve to be treated with respect and care. I deserve to be free of a toxic, dysfunctional environment." Especially with that last statement, something shifted. I went on to journal "T...

(Originally published 17 August 2013)  Hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I last blogged. I’ve never been an daily blogger—I wait until I have something inspiring or important to share. But I admit I’ve also gotten into that mindset that my blogs should be positive or hopeful—and that’s not really how I’ve been feeling. Life wasn’t bad. I had lost those 75 pounds over 2-plus years, I was maintaining a healthy weight and trying to focus on applying what worked with shedding the pounds with shedding that other kind of weight—the clutter in my home that has plagued me for years. Sure I’d get stressed at work, and sometimes my PTSD would get triggered, but not big time: I wasn’t miserable. Then came the pinched nerve. My arm and hand kept buzzing uncomfortably at odd times during the day, sometimes going into a dull but debilitating aching. I didn’t know what was causing it. It was getting worse, so I went to the doctor who recommended physical therapy and seeing a chiropract...

(Originally published 29 December 2012)  Inspired by a Spark Friend who posted such a blog, I would like to mention 3 major positive influences which have supported my growth this year: Spark People, Seven Star Women's Kung Fu, and the Chopra Center. I've been actively Sparking for more than 2 years, but this year has been more consistent (517 straight days of logging in — WooHoo!) and I've hit 2 major milestones this year. When I began this journey weighing in at 215 (well into the obese range as a short woman), 150 seemed a very far off dream. I reached that just before mid-year, and I finally broke into a healthy BMI at the end of the year here. I love the tools and resources and diversity on this site! The wonderful teams I co-lead, my beloved Babysteps Brigade, Survivors of Abuse and A Gathering of Goddesses, have played a large part in my success. Checking in daily, sharing questions, ideas, struggles, progress, inspiration — all this has kept me on track and moti...

(Originally published 4 July 2012 ) I knew I would spend some time this Independence Day holiday thinking about freedom. I just finished writing in my journal, and will share here where my current focus is. I enjoy greater physical freedom with the 65 pounds I've shed over the last 20 months. I'm very gradually getting free of some of the clutter and disorganization as well. There's still a lot to do on that front, but I feel more confident that I will continue to make progress. A very new possibility has opened up for me with my interest in quantum healing. If we can encourage our bodies to essentially "grow younger" and heal various conditions, to access vibrant health and energy as we attract abundance into our lives, might I heal my PTSD and chemical sensitivities at a cellular level? I have found Deepak Chopra's works such as (The Essential) Ageless Body, Timeless Mind , The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success , and especially Reinventing the Body, Resu...

(Originally published 2 June 2012)  This blog has grown out of a comment I wrote, responding to a comment on my Be a Warrior blog. (I think that blog is one of my best & most important, up there with Let Me Be Your Mirror and It Doesn't Have to Be Hard.) This is the first time I've posted 2 comments, myself, in response to the comments of Spark Friends. This is the comment I just wrote: "I personally don't choose to focus on trying to understand why my father abused me. I know I did not deserve to be abused, to be made to feel helpless or unloved. And I know that I am not helpless anymore. I am strong, and getting stronger all the time. I choose to love and nurture myself with healthy eating and exercise. I do my best to remove negative thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with hopeful, empowering, loving affirmations and habits. My current focus, now that I've been quite successful at releasing my excess weight, is on creating a beautiful & ...

(Originally published 26 May 2012)  When I mention suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I’m sometimes asked if I’m a veteran. (Maybe they are wondering if I’m old enough to have been a nurse in Nam.) In most people’s minds, PTSD is linked to combat. But there are other traumas, other horrors, that afflict large numbers—particularly women. Victims of abuse and violence—whether a single random act in the near past, or chronic abuse from long ago—carry emotional scars and can be triggered by situations just as easily as the combat vet who dives for cover when a car backfires. Last year, on Memorial Day, I posted a blog, My Memorial Day Dedication, which opened with this paragraph: "'Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive' was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse w...

(Originally published 18 September 2011 as Casual cruelty at the gym)  I was roughly in the middle of my workout, feeling good, recording my reps and weights (increased a couple of the latter), saying my simplified affirmations through my slow repetitions. There was a guy on the machine next to me, and as two of his friends approached him, one called out "Hey b***h!" The name wasn't addressed to me, the voice wasn't especially loud (nor had any attempt been made to soften it, so the speaker evidently felt no compunction about his choice of words or volume in a public setting), and the tone wasn't angry or threatening. (It was said in that joking manner Martians use to insult each other, like "doofus" or "jerkwad.") Still, my mood plummeted. It was one more example of how little respect some men have for women. The fact that derogatory terms for women or female anatomy should be used as insults just feel like one more attack, one more violat...

(Originally published 2 June 2011)  Any of you who also suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will completely understand me when I say PTSD sucks! I've done a lot of work, a lot of healing, and most of the time I do pretty dang well. I've been experiencing slow, steady success (I launched the Babysteps Brigade, after all!) here on Spark People: 35 pounds down and counting, more than halfway to my weight loss goal, making progress on the decluttering and organizing front. Yet more than 45 years after the abuse began, I can still get overwhelmed and lose it. I had an episode at work last week, and came out as a survivor to members of my work unit who didn't already know. I had an outburst in a witchcraft class two nights ago when another survivor voiced a belief that sounded to me like an attempt to justify what was done to us. I came home from that upsetting experience and did a Tarot reading (with my round multicultural, matriarchal Motherpeace deck), asking for guid...

(Originally published 30 May 2011)  "Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive" was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse who didn't become survivors. I recently joined a Spark team for survivors of abuse. I've done intensive therapy and a lot of inner work on my own incest issues over the years. But Post Traumatic Stress can still affect me, interrupting my progress and threatening the gains I've made in my journey toward well-being, health, and wholeness. In a discussion on the survivor team, I mentioned being in a small class, in which 3 of the 4 of us had been sexually abused. One of the team leaders responded that wasn't surprising, given the large numbers of victims of sexual abuse & assault, especially in childhood. Is it any wonder so many women stru...