Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 21 February 2021)   I have struggled with clutter and organization for decades. I know there is a strong link to the childhood abuse, where I had no control over my environment. I'm learning how trauma affects brain function, which can make the process especially challenging. This is currently a primary focus of my work with a wonderful new therapist, and this document grew out of our discussions. I do a lot of internal parts work, so "we" refers to my parts collectively. Bossy happens to be one of my strongly opinionated parts. I created this document and read it before each sorting session. Pre-sorting Pep Talk Bossy’s plea (paraphrased from 2/11/21 journal entry): We’ll never create the space and environment we want and deserve if we don’t put in consistent effort. We don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to push ourselves, but it won’t ever get done if WE don’t do it ! Please. I want this for all of us. We deserve space to breathe an...

(Originally published 1 November 2020)  I’ve been putting pressure on myself and feeling guilty for not getting more done or making more progress. When I journaled about the feelings, I discovered there was both guilt and shame around not doing enough or doing a better job at the things I say I want to accomplish. When I asked myself where those ideas or judgements came from, I realized I’m still being haunted by something I heard over 50 years ago! My father recounted a parent teacher conference in which he told the teacher that they (my parents) weren’t concerned about their children always getting top grades (though we pretty much did), that they “only” wanted us to do our best. Now here’s the thing: I’m dynamite at process improvement (a selling point I stressed in all those job resumes and letters of interest), because I’m always looking for ways to make something better, more cost efficient, more accurate, easier to use. So no matter what I do, I can always think of ways ...

(Originally published 17 August 2020 )   I just figured out on last Thursday that I’m suffering from burnout. After 5 months of telecommuting, I had to go into the office to swap out laptops, and was able to read flyers for the few remaining employees in the building. Some of these had tips for self-care, including one on Burnout. After reading the symptoms, I realized I fit many of the descriptors. I’ve emailed the 2 supervisors responsible for my work group, who have both been given other duties, and so have not been checking in with us regularly. It doesn’t help that I’ve had all sorts of tech issues that have required hours of IT consultation and fixes on the new computer, including a crash this morning. Or that we’ve had people out. One is on temporary assignment elsewhere, and 3 called out today, leaving only 4 of us. It was so stressful, I was on the verge of tears several times this afternoon. So when the day finally ended, I wondered “What can I do to feel better when I’...

(Originally published 30 November 2015)  Those were the arresting words my therapist said to me about my clutter. I had just recounted how losing those 65 pounds hadn't been nearly as hard as trying to get rid of and organize my "stuff." I had assumed I could use the same babystep approach that helped me gradually shed the excess weight, but I'm not having the same sort of success. "I'm smart. It shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure it out!" That's when she told me "Your clutter has nothing to do with being smart or capable. It's about something else." And no, she didn't explain what it IS about; I get that I need to explore and decide that for myself. And I've already begun to address it in my journaling and parts work. But it has helped relieve some of the intense pain and shame I feel. As I told her, I was always more ashamed of my clutter than of my fat. Somehow I was always compassionate about my body,...