Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 1 December 2020 )  I am *really* embracing the concept and goal of doing OK, as opposed to trying (and failing) to do “my best” (because with my brain, I can always imagine a way to improve or do better). Recently I had wanted to go for a walk, but saw it was getting later than I had wanted to start, with the prettiest light fading. But I reminded myself it could be an OK walk—it didn’t have to be a great one. And it turned out so much better than I had hoped for: I got to watch a full moon rising and see some lovely early Christmas lights—delightful sights that filled my heart. That encouraged me to reach out to my sister to sound out the notion of settling for “OK holidays.” We often spend Christmas or New Year’s together, and have certain traditions we enjoy, but can be stressful to try and make happen. With this year in particular it’s hard to say what will be happening in the next weeks. Per the governor’s request and example, we spent Thanksgiving in o...

(Originally published 17 August 2020 )   I just figured out on last Thursday that I’m suffering from burnout. After 5 months of telecommuting, I had to go into the office to swap out laptops, and was able to read flyers for the few remaining employees in the building. Some of these had tips for self-care, including one on Burnout. After reading the symptoms, I realized I fit many of the descriptors. I’ve emailed the 2 supervisors responsible for my work group, who have both been given other duties, and so have not been checking in with us regularly. It doesn’t help that I’ve had all sorts of tech issues that have required hours of IT consultation and fixes on the new computer, including a crash this morning. Or that we’ve had people out. One is on temporary assignment elsewhere, and 3 called out today, leaving only 4 of us. It was so stressful, I was on the verge of tears several times this afternoon. So when the day finally ended, I wondered “What can I do to feel better when I’...

(Originally published 27 March 20 20 )   It's a challenging time when so much is happening and disrupting our lives that is out of our control. It's easy to get caught up in fear and frustration over everything we can't do. Just like with losing weight or organizing, focusing on what we want and on the choices we can make is more motivating than always paying attention to the things we don't like or can't have or do. I may not be able to go to all the places I used to go, but I can go for a walk in the fresh air and wave at people I pass. My favorite restaurants may not be open, but I can plan healthy meals and try new recipes. I may not be able to go to the gym (or the Activity Room at my job, since we are telecommuting now), but I've been finding lots of new free exercise videos, including plenty I can do during my 15-minute breaks from my call center job. Even though I can't visit friends or my sister, I can reach out by phone, email, a card, or a...

  (Originally published 7 March 2017 )   I took a moment to look out the balcony door and admire the rising sun. There is such beauty and hope in each new dawn. My heart expands and overflows with possibilities, love, joy, and hope, sweeping aside the discontent and grumbling over not doing more and over today's weight gain. I just had to jump up again and allow myself to bask in the brilliance of the Sun when she burst through the clouds to shine her light and glory on us all. She reminds me I am connected to the cosmos. I am filled with light, and it is up to me to let my light shine forth — taking positive steps, experiencing and sharing pleasure, acknowledging progress, strengthening resolve and determination to create and improve and expand. We can re-dedicate ourselves* to developing new routines and structures — to checking in after work, to tracking our movement and actions and setting intentions. [Journal entry 2/28 * Note, I employ first person plural to ref...

(Originally published 1 January 2017)   Hopefully you've figured out on your own, or accepted what they keep telling us here on Spark People, that starting the New Year with a big honking laundry list of resolutions about how you're suddenly going to be perfect is a sure-fire plan to fail. We can all make positive changes in our lives as long as we do it with focus, compassion, creativity, balance, and humor. (You were expecting me to advise you to be realistic, right? That can be helpful — as opposed to the fantasy of "I'm going to change these 10 things all at the same time and I'm going to do everything perfectly right now!" But to me admonitions to "be realistic" can carry a sense of limitation or lack, like if I was just good enough or motivated or something else enough, I could take the accelerated road to success, but because of something lacking in me, I'll have to be satisfied with the watered-down, easier, it'll take me so much l...

(Originally published 6 November 2016)  Some of you know I have a very unsatisfactory state job, which I've been trying to leave for several years — 51 state, county, college, and city job applications submitted and counting. We're overworked and underpaid, and plagued with poor management. It's not all bad, but there's sadly a great deal of negativity to deal with. So what's a body to do? I can't pretend that everything's fine. I may use affirmations, and do my best to focus on the positive, but I won't lie to myself about what's true. So when the annual statewide survey went online, I told them truthfully just how bad the working environment and organizational culture are. And when they asked for my opinion in essay  format,  rather than multiple choice — oh, yeah! I totally let them have it. Unfortunately, when forced to look hard at all the things that are wrong, and to articulate the issues (which is one of my strengths), it tends to leave me ...

(Originally published 27 September 2016)  This was my status update last night: Rats! I had this vision of rearranging some things in the living room to have what I use most often easy to get to--but now it's less accessible due to clutter that got relocated. Discouraging! I've done a lot of parts work over the years, and in my daily journaling, I have a number of pretty distinctive inner parts/voices/selves who sometimes lead different sections of our journaling sessions. One sort of junior, helping part really stepped up and spoke out this morning in relation to the previous evening's upset. Here's what she had to say: “I am woman, hear me roar!  We may have had a setback yesterday, but we are on the move. We haven't arrived yet at how we want our space to look and feel and function, but we're taking steps, we're in motion, so a big hooray for us!! And really, bringing in new energy and making a change is strong and creative . Leaving things as they ...

(Originally published 30 November 2015)  Those were the arresting words my therapist said to me about my clutter. I had just recounted how losing those 65 pounds hadn't been nearly as hard as trying to get rid of and organize my "stuff." I had assumed I could use the same babystep approach that helped me gradually shed the excess weight, but I'm not having the same sort of success. "I'm smart. It shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure it out!" That's when she told me "Your clutter has nothing to do with being smart or capable. It's about something else." And no, she didn't explain what it IS about; I get that I need to explore and decide that for myself. And I've already begun to address it in my journaling and parts work. But it has helped relieve some of the intense pain and shame I feel. As I told her, I was always more ashamed of my clutter than of my fat. Somehow I was always compassionate about my body,...

(Originally published 26 August 2015)  Here is another of my morning rituals, that I perform to put myself in a positive mood. As I mentioned in my last blog, "I devised [them] to help combat the emotional pain and sometime despair that plagued me all too often when I contemplated the poor management, negligence and dissatisfaction I experience at work." I actually started practicing this one first, but now I start with Breathing In the Day, followed by Singing In the Morning. It's rather like a Gratitude Journal, simply writing down positives to focus on from the previous day. I include blessings and acts kindness from others, but what I list most often are things I've done that I'm proud of, and progress I made. Acknowledging my accomplishments and babysteps helps me stay motivated and encouraged, especially when there is a lot of stress and numerous obstacles to deal with. I know many people like to reflect on their day at night, recalling their blessings a...

  (Originally published 17 March 2013 ) Last night I shared a dear Spark Friend's posting in my comments on another Spark Friend's blog. ROSALIEESTHER's words had affected me deeply when she posted them on our Babysteps Brigade team on 2/28, and I recalled that I wanted to share them with others in a blog. So here I am, and these are her words: "I've been thinking a lot lately about the baby part of baby steps. Seems to me that we need to learn to embrace each step we make just as we would a baby's step. Wouldn't we make much of a baby learning to walk? Wouldn't we be gentle and full of admiration even if that baby faltered and fell? Let's see ourselves with kind and loving eyes. Let's allow ourselves to take the time it takes to make progress. In the grand scheme of things we are all babies." I shared her post on my other 2 main teams, and several people responded favorably to the themes of being gentle with ourselves and celebrating...

(Originally published 26 January 2013)  How odd that getting really sick for the first time in years would have such a silver lining. The tarot reading I did (with my beloved MotherPeace deck) on why I got sick and how to heal was amazingly spot on — and heralded in that Outcome card a surprising new direction for me. Judgement, card XX of the Major Arcana: the MotherPeace image shows a purple ankh on a lavender background, pouring a rainbow from Her center to cover the Earth in healing and beauty. Along with the Star card ("Opening to the Goddess"), it is my favorite MotherPeace image. According to Vicki Nobel (in MOTHERPEACE: A Way to the Goddess through Myth, Art, and Tarot), drawing the Judgement card in a reading indicates an important decision has already been made by your Higher Self. And so it has been. Somehow, yesterday it came to me: the time has come to put aside my kung fu training and apply those lessons, that energy and commitment to myself and my growth in...

(Originally published 10 May 2012)  Here's my huddle today: Pay attention to your successes! . . .which makes more sense when combined with today's status quote: "Whatever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life. Whatever you take your attention away from will wither, disintegrate, & disappear." (Chopra) What do you want to increase in life? If we would all stop obsessing over the things we don't like in our lives — every molecule of fat in our bodies, every ounce gained, every out-of-place item in our homes, every rude driver (one of my peeves), every mistake made by us or the people around us — they just might show up less in our lives, or at least would cause us less misery. The quote is from Deepak Chopra's The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, a very slim volume containing some profound wisdom. It comes from the discussion of the law of intention and desire. Our thinking can so easily get in the way of accomplishing our goals an...

(Originally published 1 May 2012)  When I think and talk about organizing, I often focus on what I don't want — to lose or forget things, what I want to get rid of — the clutter, the junk, the messiness, & how I don't want to feel — ashamed, sloppy, hopeless, frustrated. Positive language is recommended for affirmations, and I have created a pair of statements around this issue: "I choose how I will live — I choose to live in beauty and order; I choose how I will live — I choose to live in comfort and ease." I had an insight this morning while shuffling my Mother Peace tarot cards for a reading, and formulating the question I for which I was seeking guidance: I passionately desire to create a beautiful, intentional and supportive environment. Words have power, and for me, this phrase summarizes essential qualities that were missing from my family home, and for which I yearn. Just as I am more motivated to *increase* strength, flexibility, fitness, health, an...

(Originally published 23 December 2011)  It’s been a sad Solstice week at work. One of my coworkers, Gale, had scheduled several weeks off for an operation and recovery. The surgery went fine on Monday, but Tuesday, she went into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. Wednesday her husband called to say she was gone, because there was no brain activity. Her body wasn’t ready to let go, and Thursday there was no resolution. Her husband and sister told her it was OK to leave. We finally got word today (Friday) that she had passed. When it became clear that the person she had been was no longer here, I prayed for the Goddess to take Her daughter home, and for Gale to let go and be with the angels. I didn’t want her family to have every Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to come be an anniversary of losing her. For the last several days I’ve been struck by numerous things. I’m reminded of how precious life is, and that we never know how long we or the people around us have. Tellin...