Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 21 July 2019)   I'm struggling with frustration and aggravation over not accomplishing more. As I've dealt with new job applications (my wonderful county job is a temporary position), medical appointments, a dental emergency, and tardy car registration, my decluttering efforts have completely stalled. In fact just basic housework is hard to keep up with. I refuse to deny my feelings: yes, the messiness does get to me, and I long to make changes to my environment — and maintain the gains, instead of this constant yoyo decluttering. But I catch myself when I start using judgemental language, even in my own head. In a recent journaling session when the thought "what is wrong with me?" arose, one of my parts quickly inserted "Let's keep this a no shame zone!" What a wonderful concept — which brought immediate emotional relief. I like that idea of proclaiming my mind a No Shame Zone. Same goes for my home. I may want to make changes...

(Originally published 30 November 2015)  Those were the arresting words my therapist said to me about my clutter. I had just recounted how losing those 65 pounds hadn't been nearly as hard as trying to get rid of and organize my "stuff." I had assumed I could use the same babystep approach that helped me gradually shed the excess weight, but I'm not having the same sort of success. "I'm smart. It shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure it out!" That's when she told me "Your clutter has nothing to do with being smart or capable. It's about something else." And no, she didn't explain what it IS about; I get that I need to explore and decide that for myself. And I've already begun to address it in my journaling and parts work. But it has helped relieve some of the intense pain and shame I feel. As I told her, I was always more ashamed of my clutter than of my fat. Somehow I was always compassionate about my body,...

(Originally published 29 October 2012 as  What we do to ourselves )   I was taking a break and journaling after a stint of decluttering and organizing work. As soon as I wrote it, this sentence jumped off the page at me: "I was feeling frantic and not far from tears earlier, thinking 'I can't do this anymore!' and then wondering why and how I keep doing this to myself." The first "do this" (as in I can't anymore) was the sorting, the deciding is it trash? do I keep it? where should it go? Occasionally the answer is obvious and the choice easy to make. But more often, I'm not sure; a whole host of questions and considerations and options come up, and I don't know what's the best thing to do, and I often end up putting it in an undecided category and postponing the determination. The second "do this" (as in why do I keep doing this to myself?) was my wail of despair not unlike the blogs I sometimes read by Sparkers disgusted a...

(Originally published 19 January 2012 )   The idea for this particular blog (part of my Conquer Clutter Campaign series) came today when I was replying to a Spark Friend's email about some travel plans: "I'm envious that you are able to travel, and not work full-time. I'm not very financially savvy, and have no idea when I'll ever be able to retire! I considered a dual focus this year of organizing and finances, but the former is the greater need for now, and the most challenging. I think it may really bring me face-to-face with some of my demons, and will stand as a clear metaphor for letting go of the past and creating the life I want to live. Wow, there's so totally a blog there, waiting to be written!" I've recognized before that clutter, like excess fat, is something that weighs me down and saps my energy. Though I've realized, too, it bothers me a lot more. Over a year ago (1/26/11) in my first 3C blog, I wrote: "I'm more ashamed...

(Originally published 17 September 2011)  No, that is certainly not an original phrase; it's something of a personal growth aphorism. Yes, I believe it is far better to make positive choices because we want to enjoy benefits and positive consequences and prevent suffering and negative consequences. And yes, I still catch myself "shoulding" on me from time to time. What's the big deal, you may ask, aside from a mildly amusing play on words? When we think and speak in terms of what we "should" be doing, the desired behavior begins to change from a merely healthy or helpful action, and take on the quality of being "good for us," and if we therefore perform this activity adequately, we see ourselves as successful and "good." But if we don't perform the action at all, or not well enough or often enough, in our eyes we have "failed" and we must be "bad." We may use different words, like lazy, fat, stupid, helpless, p...

(Originally published 8 February 2011) This is the status I posted yesterday, and before changing it this morning, I wanted to immortalize this development, which for me is somewhat momentous:  “BLESSEDBEING is experiencing a mental shift: as I look at my expanding Oases of Order, I know I *am* a capable organizer, if still a babystepping one! Aaahh!” It hasn't been that many days ago that I sent out a cry of help to members on my organizing teams because I was so overwhelmed by discouragement and despair over my disorganization, or that I sat here crying after reading the "what I cleaned" reports of teammates who were taming entire rooms and closets, while I wrested a half-square-foot of counter space at a time. It seemed like they were capable and I wasn't, they were succeeding and I wasn't, they were organizers and I wasn't. But in the few days since launching the Babysteps Brigade, not only my actions but my internal experience have changed. Just w...

(Originally published 26 January 2011) I'm more ashamed of how I live than how I look; more ashamed of my home than my body; more ashamed of my clutter than my fat. I've been seriously Sparking for 3 months, and I'm right at the point of hitting 20 pounds lost. I finally dropped below 200 for the first time in a number of years right around the holidays. When it comes to my weight and my fitness, I know I'm doing the right things, and I feel better. The numbers are very slowly but steadily going down (my weight) and up (weight resistance at the gym), so I know I'm making progress. I'm not in a rush to reach my goal weight, but I do believe I'll get there. When it comes to this whole other aspect of my life that's weighing me down—the disorganization and clutter—I'm not so confident I'll get there. I've had periods in the past where I was making progress sorting and eliminating some of the excess, clearing some spaces so that they were r...