No more "shoulding" on ourselves

(Originally published 17 September 2011) 

No, that is certainly not an original phrase; it's something of a personal growth aphorism. Yes, I believe it is far better to make positive choices because we want to enjoy benefits and positive consequences and prevent suffering and negative consequences. And yes, I still catch myself "shoulding" on me from time to time.

What's the big deal, you may ask, aside from a mildly amusing play on words? When we think and speak in terms of what we "should" be doing, the desired behavior begins to change from a merely healthy or helpful action, and take on the quality of being "good for us," and if we therefore perform this activity adequately, we see ourselves as successful and "good."

But if we don't perform the action at all, or not well enough or often enough, in our eyes we have "failed" and we must be "bad." We may use different words, like lazy, fat, stupid, helpless, pathetic, incompetent, or whatever, but our feelings of shame, guilt, hopelessness, dejection, loathing, sadness, anger & fear are enough to make us give up trying, because who wants to experience that kind of pain?

So it's important to be careful about the words we use and how we talk to ourselves. It's even important to revisit our Spark goals and ask "Is this serving me? Is it inspiring me to succeed? Is it helping me to create the life I want to live? Or has it become a means of pressuring myself and beating myself up?"

As you might guess, I've come to realize I've been putting some expectations (or "shoulds") on myself that have been creating a sense of pressure and obligation that are disconnecting me from the joy and confidence I've experienced in this last year of Sparking. So I'm getting back to basics, re-evaluating goals and how I structure my program and my time. And I'm remembering to beware what I tell myself!

Wishing you all success and joy. Blessed Be, Amanda