Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 1 November 2020)  I’ve been putting pressure on myself and feeling guilty for not getting more done or making more progress. When I journaled about the feelings, I discovered there was both guilt and shame around not doing enough or doing a better job at the things I say I want to accomplish. When I asked myself where those ideas or judgements came from, I realized I’m still being haunted by something I heard over 50 years ago! My father recounted a parent teacher conference in which he told the teacher that they (my parents) weren’t concerned about their children always getting top grades (though we pretty much did), that they “only” wanted us to do our best. Now here’s the thing: I’m dynamite at process improvement (a selling point I stressed in all those job resumes and letters of interest), because I’m always looking for ways to make something better, more cost efficient, more accurate, easier to use. So no matter what I do, I can always think of ways ...

(Originally published 26 February 2020)  After writing this in my journal this morning, I thought, 'Hey, that's sort of profound' and so decided to share it with y'all: "We can't just focus on, or go straight to, what we wish we had done better. It's important to give ourselves credit for our babysteps and positive choices first. We don't have to ignore or cover up poor choices or tasks left undone, but there's no need to beat ourselves up or get bummed out. We'll stay more engaged and encouraged, enthusiastic and energized by acknowledging our progress first." It worked for me. By writing down several things I accomplished the previous day, I felt better and stronger, and eager to make more progress that night after getting home from work. Maybe this will resonate with some of you as well. Blessed Be, Amanda            

(Originally published 1 January 2017)   Hopefully you've figured out on your own, or accepted what they keep telling us here on Spark People, that starting the New Year with a big honking laundry list of resolutions about how you're suddenly going to be perfect is a sure-fire plan to fail. We can all make positive changes in our lives as long as we do it with focus, compassion, creativity, balance, and humor. (You were expecting me to advise you to be realistic, right? That can be helpful — as opposed to the fantasy of "I'm going to change these 10 things all at the same time and I'm going to do everything perfectly right now!" But to me admonitions to "be realistic" can carry a sense of limitation or lack, like if I was just good enough or motivated or something else enough, I could take the accelerated road to success, but because of something lacking in me, I'll have to be satisfied with the watered-down, easier, it'll take me so much l...

(Originally published 26 August 2015)  Here is another of my morning rituals, that I perform to put myself in a positive mood. As I mentioned in my last blog, "I devised [them] to help combat the emotional pain and sometime despair that plagued me all too often when I contemplated the poor management, negligence and dissatisfaction I experience at work." I actually started practicing this one first, but now I start with Breathing In the Day, followed by Singing In the Morning. It's rather like a Gratitude Journal, simply writing down positives to focus on from the previous day. I include blessings and acts kindness from others, but what I list most often are things I've done that I'm proud of, and progress I made. Acknowledging my accomplishments and babysteps helps me stay motivated and encouraged, especially when there is a lot of stress and numerous obstacles to deal with. I know many people like to reflect on their day at night, recalling their blessings a...

(Originally published 4 April 2014)  I will take babysteps today — I will, I will, I will! Goddess, I want to make changes, make progress, move forward toward my goals! I want to feel free and powerful. I can't get there all at once, but I can take action TODAY! I can take *at least* one step — and maybe even more than one. Yes!

(Originally published 24 February 2013)  4 weeks ago, when I wrote the blog "A new challenge and refined focus," I ended with the pledge to relaunch my Conquer Clutter Campaign. That was the alliterative title I came up with a couple years ago, I think, around the time I founded the Babysteps Brigade. Babysteps (the approach and the small, enthusiastic team) have served me well on my weight loss journey: 75 pounds lost over more than 2 years, gradually and relatively easily, by making small incremental changes in diet, exercise, thinking, routines. But I realized the time had come to do more than spend the occasional 5 minutes here & 10 minutes there if I were ever to win myself free of the lifetime of clutter and disorganization that has weighed me down and kept me stuck, just as surely as those 75 excess pounds ever did. And so I made the sacrifice of suspending my beloved kung fu training in order to devote solid blocks of time to this new endeavor. Within days of ...

(Originally published 26 January 2013)  How odd that getting really sick for the first time in years would have such a silver lining. The tarot reading I did (with my beloved MotherPeace deck) on why I got sick and how to heal was amazingly spot on — and heralded in that Outcome card a surprising new direction for me. Judgement, card XX of the Major Arcana: the MotherPeace image shows a purple ankh on a lavender background, pouring a rainbow from Her center to cover the Earth in healing and beauty. Along with the Star card ("Opening to the Goddess"), it is my favorite MotherPeace image. According to Vicki Nobel (in MOTHERPEACE: A Way to the Goddess through Myth, Art, and Tarot), drawing the Judgement card in a reading indicates an important decision has already been made by your Higher Self. And so it has been. Somehow, yesterday it came to me: the time has come to put aside my kung fu training and apply those lessons, that energy and commitment to myself and my growth in...

(Originally published 18 August 2012)  It all started with reading a great blog by my  Spark Friend  Ronnie back on March 28, One Thing I Know..... There Will Always Be Excuses. She shares her regret at giving up on learning to skateboard with her grandson because she fell so many times her first time trying. I like her observation that beginnings are rarely pretty, and "sometimes you suck at it so move on and you will get better." In my comment I thanked her for the inspiration, and wrote: "The thing I have been wanting to try and thinking about is learning self-defense. I was just thinking about it again this morning, and I'm choosing to take your timely blog as a sign that I am meant to go for it. I will start researching options and report within days." It actually took me longer than that to take action. But I finally Googled 'self-defense' 'women' 'Tukwila' (my city) and got a few local martial arts schools, including one in Sea...

(Originally published 3 June 2012)  "BLESSEDBEING is now officially at my original goal weight of 150 = 65 pounds lost! I've got my Amazon shopping cart standing by!" That was my status from this morning. I don't move my weight tracker the first time I touch on a new weight level. Once I've reached a new low weight (rounded to the pound) and maintained it for 3 days, then I consider it official. I probably didn't set a goal weight when I first joined Spark People in the summer of 2009; I probably did it in the fall of 2010 when I started my serious solo-Sparking (before I discovered the power of Spark teams). 150 seemed really far away from 215, where I began. 65 pounds, a 30% weight loss is significant. I went from a size 18 or 2X in Women's sizes to a size 12 or Large in Misses. (I've even bought one size 10 pair of pants!) I look better and feel better. My joints rarely hurt and I don't get as tired. Why am I not more excited about this? I...

(Originally published 18 March 2012)  Whether you actually did this in science class or not, you know how rats are put into a maze, and how they run down and back those passages looking for the cheese. Once they've gone down the same passage a few times and found no reward there, they usually stop going that way and concentrate their search in different directions where the likelihood of finding their cheesy reward is greater. So are you as smart as the average lab rat? Are there goals you want to accomplish — some reward as important to you as a chunk of cheese is to a rat? Are there paths and actions you have taken in the past that have proved unsuccessful at bringing you closer to your goals? Have you abandoned them and tried a new way? Maybe you think you know exactly how to reach your destination. You have the perfect road map: to lose those unwanted pounds, you just have to give up sugar and fat and salt, most of your favorite foods and do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 mo...

(Originally published 8 March 2012)  This is a comment I wrote on a Spark Friend’s blog about living with a recovering type 2 diabetic:  “What saddens me the most is that people assume change has to be hard. It doesn't have to be. Moderation and babysteps will produce improvements. We don't have to be perfect. As long as we make better choices most of the time, we will get stronger, slimmer, and healthier. To me, that's not hard--it's fun, it's empowering, it's motivating!” Losing weight, getting stronger and improving your health (or getting organized or making any other improvement in your life) does not have to be hard. But if you tell yourself it will be hard, or worse yet impossible, that will most likely be your experience. The question is, do you want it to be hard or not? Notice, I'm not saying it will be EASY to change. But it does require a willingness to make changes in the way you do things, and especially in the way you think. I love Louis...

(Originally published 2 February 2012)  The Babysteps Brigade is one year old today! My sweet little team, dedicated to slow, steady progress has been thriving in our little corner of the Sparkverse. We may be small (just under 50), but we have a core of active & supportive members who like to share their successes and cheer each other on. I have babystepped my way to a weight loss of more than 55 pounds over the last 16 or 17 months. I'm less than 10 pounds from my initial goal of 150!  When I reach that goal, I will set my sights on another 10 pounds to reach a healthy BMI. The weight's coming down pretty slowly now, since I'm sort of in a maintenance mode, but I am confident I will reach these goals — and stay there lifelong. You see, that's the cool thing about babysteps and the gradual approach. My exercise and eating are far from "perfect," but who cares? I like what I'm doing, and have no desire to stop when I hit 140. I will definitely be t...

(Originally published 16 January 2012)  When I went back to see when I last posted a CCC blog, I discovered my first ever blog here on SP was 1/12/11, so I've been blogging just over a year. I had 3 officially named 3C blogs, the last one written a few days after I launched the Babysteps Brigade team on February 2nd of last year. Organizing took a bit of a back seat this past year. I became a co-leader on 2 other teams, A Gathering of Goddesses and Survivors of Abuse. And I experienced true success on my fitness and weight loss journey. I've lost more than 55 pounds now, and am less than 10 from my original goal. I left the obese BMI range behind and dropped 3 pants sizes. I've already lost more than a quarter of my original body weight. Once I get to my goal of 150, I can lose another 10 and reach the healthy BMI range for my height--and a total loss of 75 pounds at that point will represent more than a third of my body weight gone for good. The change has been slow and ...

(Originally published 10 November 2011)  "It's impossible to lose weight over the holidays, so why even try?" "I always gain 10-20 pounds over Thanksgiving and Christmas, then I have to diet until Easter to get rid of it." "I'm too busy to exercise with all the holiday rush, so of course I'll gain weight." "It's too cold/dark/wet in the winter to exercise." "It's too hard to diet over the holidays, so I should just not try until after New Year’s." Does this sound like you? Are you convinced one or more or all of these statements are true? If that is what you believe, then you will probably make them come true for you. No matter what you have experienced in the past, why not try out a new belief or two over the next couple of months. I started seriously solo Sparking (I had yet to discover the power and joy of teams) last fall. Over 3 or 4 months, I lost better than 15 pounds, and weighed less than 200 for the...

(Originally published 17 September 2011)  No, that is certainly not an original phrase; it's something of a personal growth aphorism. Yes, I believe it is far better to make positive choices because we want to enjoy benefits and positive consequences and prevent suffering and negative consequences. And yes, I still catch myself "shoulding" on me from time to time. What's the big deal, you may ask, aside from a mildly amusing play on words? When we think and speak in terms of what we "should" be doing, the desired behavior begins to change from a merely healthy or helpful action, and take on the quality of being "good for us," and if we therefore perform this activity adequately, we see ourselves as successful and "good." But if we don't perform the action at all, or not well enough or often enough, in our eyes we have "failed" and we must be "bad." We may use different words, like lazy, fat, stupid, helpless, p...

(Originally published 26 August 2011)  My huddle today was "Let go of pressure & choose to live with ease!" I started using an affirmation "I let go of pressure & choose to live with ease" after leaving the ophthalmologist's office and learning I'll need a laser procedure to deal with elevated pressure in one eye. It got me thinking about how I may be putting pressure on myself. I realize some people might think such ideas are antithetical to fitness or an invitation to sloth. But I do not equate ease with laziness. I like to challenge myself, and I like following my slow, but steady progress in weight loss. I don't mind the plateaus; I keep doing what I know is good for me, keep using my affirmations, and I've lost an unglamorous — yet cumulatively thrilling — 4 pounds per month for most of a year. Yet while I'm pretty good about accepting my imperfect, though improving eating and exercise, I can still get frustrated and angry with m...

(Originally published 30 June 2011)  My huddle today on several of my teams was "Reflect on your achievements this month." Two things have really prompted me to ponder on the importance of reflection. First, I attended a training on effective interviewing yesterday, and picked up several good ideas about tailoring my resume to get an interview, the interview itself, as well as follow-up activities. I've been wanting to make a change, but haven't set out an actual plan of steps to take and scheduled them in to make them happen. Second, I just read a comment by an actor in TV Guide about making a 5-year plan and revising it every 6 months. I have hopes for my life, and I have goals that I have set and track daily, but a 5-year plan? I've never done that with any seriousness or follow-through, but I think I want to. If I have a clearer picture of what I want and where I hope to be, I will have a better means of evaluating my progress. I'm not one to beat my...

(Originally published 2 June 2011)  Any of you who also suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will completely understand me when I say PTSD sucks! I've done a lot of work, a lot of healing, and most of the time I do pretty dang well. I've been experiencing slow, steady success (I launched the Babysteps Brigade, after all!) here on Spark People: 35 pounds down and counting, more than halfway to my weight loss goal, making progress on the decluttering and organizing front. Yet more than 45 years after the abuse began, I can still get overwhelmed and lose it. I had an episode at work last week, and came out as a survivor to members of my work unit who didn't already know. I had an outburst in a witchcraft class two nights ago when another survivor voiced a belief that sounded to me like an attempt to justify what was done to us. I came home from that upsetting experience and did a Tarot reading (with my round multicultural, matriarchal Motherpeace deck), asking for guid...

(Originally published 26 February 2011) That phrase, “babystepping my way to Glory,” came to me while speed walking yesterday on my afternoon break, as I gazed towards a golden sun in a sparkling blue sky that was reflecting off the still white patches from our last snowfall. I had been doing my Louise Hay affirmations* and my lovingkindness meditation phrases* and my heart was full of gratitude, joy, and hope; I was delighted with the beauty of the moment and pleased with myself and the progress I'm making. This was a much different and better place than when I wrote my Bad Days blog less than 48 hours earlier. Yet while I could feel the power and energy flowing through me so freely, I did not fall into the trap of thinking this is how will always feel or should always feel, or it's going to be easy from now on, or I'm always going to get as much accomplished as I had that day. I won't automatically earn as many nutrition and fitness points or get as much declutte...

  (Originally published 23 February 2011) I really know I'm making progress now. Work was OK, but it's been a rough evening at home. Frustration and disappointment over vacation planning issues, with more frustration and disappointment over the failure of the new resistance cord DVD to offer modifications for stiff knees. In the old days, any stress at work or in life was an excuse to buy and consume comfort food — in my case wine and chips, or other high-fat foods. Not this evening. OK, I switched from salad to soup, but chopped and added fresh veggies before emptying the can of soup into the pot. I made sure I was maintaining my Oases of Order (those small sections of real estate I have liberated from clutter) in the kitchen while I cooked. I cleaned the litterbox (one of my daily routines I'm establishing) and put in my (minimum) organizing time in order to fulfill my Babysteps Brigade team challenge activity and earn my corresponding Other Goal point. I wasn'...