Balancing the strong and wounded parts
Any of you who also suffer from Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder will completely understand me when I say PTSD sucks! I've done
a lot of work, a lot of healing, and most of the time I do pretty dang well.
I've been experiencing slow, steady success (I launched the Babysteps Brigade,
after all!) here on Spark People: 35 pounds down and counting, more than
halfway to my weight loss goal, making progress on the decluttering and
organizing front. Yet more than 45 years after the abuse began, I can still get
overwhelmed and lose it.
I had an episode at work last week, and came out as a survivor to members of my
work unit who didn't already know. I had an outburst in a witchcraft class two
nights ago when another survivor voiced a belief that sounded to me like an
attempt to justify what was done to us. I came home from that upsetting
experience and did a Tarot reading (with my round multicultural, matriarchal Motherpeace
deck), asking for guidance on my healing work and the next step along my path.
The second card in my spread, in the Atmosphere position, speaking to the
context for the question, was the major arcana Temperance card. According to
the Motherpeace companion book, when you get this card in a reading, it means
you are in balance; you are not disconnected or fragmented from yourself;
opposite parts of yourself have come together. (There's a lot more said, but
this is what struck me at first to be most incongruent.)
My reaction on reading this was Hunh? I feel more fragmented than ever! That's
why I'm doing this reading! Then came the realization that perhaps I've been
trying to "leave my past behind" or disconnect from the wounded part
of me. I've been working hard to break free from perceived limits, and not let
my past dictate how I will live, see myself, or what I can achieve. Maybe I've
been eager to embrace this stronger, more successful version of me, because she
seems more positive, more powerful . . . less damaged?
Maybe healing and becoming whole doesn't or can't come from replacing or
erasing the wounded parts with a better or more acceptable version of me. When
I considered what the wounded part of me offers, that enriches who I am, I
realized she is the foundation of my compassion; I know what it is to hurt, to
suffer—to an extreme degree, and I am more
sensitive to the pain of others because of that. Her anger at what happened,
how she was victimized and traumatized, fuels my passion for justice and makes
me more willing to speak out and make waves.
Upon receiving several messages that it is time to focus attention on healing
again, my first reaction was "Not again—haven't I
done that already?" But my Aha! is taking me beyond that initial
impatience and disappointment at this perceived derailing or delaying of my
progress. This is the task before me—just as it
is before an unfortunately large percentage of women. By taking up the
challenge with all the determination, creativity, and skills I possess, perhaps
I can affect not only the quality of my own life, but take part in creating a
better future for generations to come.
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