Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 1 December 2020 )  I am *really* embracing the concept and goal of doing OK, as opposed to trying (and failing) to do “my best” (because with my brain, I can always imagine a way to improve or do better). Recently I had wanted to go for a walk, but saw it was getting later than I had wanted to start, with the prettiest light fading. But I reminded myself it could be an OK walk—it didn’t have to be a great one. And it turned out so much better than I had hoped for: I got to watch a full moon rising and see some lovely early Christmas lights—delightful sights that filled my heart. That encouraged me to reach out to my sister to sound out the notion of settling for “OK holidays.” We often spend Christmas or New Year’s together, and have certain traditions we enjoy, but can be stressful to try and make happen. With this year in particular it’s hard to say what will be happening in the next weeks. Per the governor’s request and example, we spent Thanksgiving in o...

(Originally published 6 May 2020)  The whole time I was commuting up to Seattle, first with the state, then with my much better job with the county, I would journal while waiting for the bus and on my bus ride. So 5 days a week I spent 30-60 minutes to recount accomplishments from the day before, set intentions for the day, & express whatever might be going on for me. But when we began telecommuting in response to the pandemic, I didn’t have that built-in time in my schedule anymore. I switched my alarm from 5 to 6, giving myself more sleep instead. It didn’t seem that important, and there hadn’t been that much emotional content to my journaling, especially since getting my career county position with a good salary. It seemed I was rolling with all the changes due to stay at home order pretty well. The only time I was trying to journal was while waiting in lines at stores, but by going early and planning trips well, I haven’t been waiting all that much. The last Saturday in ...

(Originally published 21 July 2019)   I'm struggling with frustration and aggravation over not accomplishing more. As I've dealt with new job applications (my wonderful county job is a temporary position), medical appointments, a dental emergency, and tardy car registration, my decluttering efforts have completely stalled. In fact just basic housework is hard to keep up with. I refuse to deny my feelings: yes, the messiness does get to me, and I long to make changes to my environment — and maintain the gains, instead of this constant yoyo decluttering. But I catch myself when I start using judgemental language, even in my own head. In a recent journaling session when the thought "what is wrong with me?" arose, one of my parts quickly inserted "Let's keep this a no shame zone!" What a wonderful concept — which brought immediate emotional relief. I like that idea of proclaiming my mind a No Shame Zone. Same goes for my home. I may want to make changes...

(Originally published 20 February 2016)  "Maybe you can't rewrite history, but it's not too late to change the future if you set your mind to it." I shared this quote from a magical mystery, Ghost of a Potion by Heather Blake, in my status this morning. I find this profoundly wise. Whether we are regretting a poor choice (in eating, spending, not putting things away) or recalling a major trauma we've experienced, we cannot change what has already occurred. We can, however, change our internal dialog, and the choices we make next. (That's how I interpret "changing the future by setting your mind to it.") I find I'm much happier when I choose not to grind on misfortune, mistreatment by another, or mistakes I've made. It can be helpful to recognize how certain experiences have shaped our thinking and reactions, or to see our patterns and the consequences of our choices. But focusing on negative results isn't very motivating or empowering...

(Originally published 30 November 2015)  Those were the arresting words my therapist said to me about my clutter. I had just recounted how losing those 65 pounds hadn't been nearly as hard as trying to get rid of and organize my "stuff." I had assumed I could use the same babystep approach that helped me gradually shed the excess weight, but I'm not having the same sort of success. "I'm smart. It shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure it out!" That's when she told me "Your clutter has nothing to do with being smart or capable. It's about something else." And no, she didn't explain what it IS about; I get that I need to explore and decide that for myself. And I've already begun to address it in my journaling and parts work. But it has helped relieve some of the intense pain and shame I feel. As I told her, I was always more ashamed of my clutter than of my fat. Somehow I was always compassionate about my body,...

(Originally published 3 December 2013)  According to Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, it has "enormous power to create shame and guilt" yet is so ingrained and commonly used, many of us can't imagine living without it. It is the word "should." It is strongly judgmental, and suggests the person not doing what they "should" is somehow morally defective or bad — or lazy or stupid, or somehow branded by one or more negative characteristics. It also implies a lack of choice which leads to resistance, for humans crave freedom and choice, and abhor tyranny "even when it's internal tyranny in the form of a "should." Though most of the book focuses on skills and attitudes that assist you in communicating more harmoniously and effectively with others, I was most struck by Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves. I especially liked the point he makes on p. 132: "Our challenge then, when we are doing ...

  (Originally published 17 March 2013 ) Last night I shared a dear Spark Friend's posting in my comments on another Spark Friend's blog. ROSALIEESTHER's words had affected me deeply when she posted them on our Babysteps Brigade team on 2/28, and I recalled that I wanted to share them with others in a blog. So here I am, and these are her words: "I've been thinking a lot lately about the baby part of baby steps. Seems to me that we need to learn to embrace each step we make just as we would a baby's step. Wouldn't we make much of a baby learning to walk? Wouldn't we be gentle and full of admiration even if that baby faltered and fell? Let's see ourselves with kind and loving eyes. Let's allow ourselves to take the time it takes to make progress. In the grand scheme of things we are all babies." I shared her post on my other 2 main teams, and several people responded favorably to the themes of being gentle with ourselves and celebrating...

(Originally published 29 October 2012 as  What we do to ourselves )   I was taking a break and journaling after a stint of decluttering and organizing work. As soon as I wrote it, this sentence jumped off the page at me: "I was feeling frantic and not far from tears earlier, thinking 'I can't do this anymore!' and then wondering why and how I keep doing this to myself." The first "do this" (as in I can't anymore) was the sorting, the deciding is it trash? do I keep it? where should it go? Occasionally the answer is obvious and the choice easy to make. But more often, I'm not sure; a whole host of questions and considerations and options come up, and I don't know what's the best thing to do, and I often end up putting it in an undecided category and postponing the determination. The second "do this" (as in why do I keep doing this to myself?) was my wail of despair not unlike the blogs I sometimes read by Sparkers disgusted a...

(Originally published 9 June 2012)  "Seen symbolically, all disorders are cases where the body becomes a stranger, an enemy, a failed ally, or a defeated victim. To prevent those metaphors from turning into reality, you need to offer reassurance to your body that you will care for it, that you will listen when it speaks." That's from Deepak Chopra's Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul (p. 130 in the large print version). It appears in the section on Breakthrough #4: You Can Improve Your Genes. In this book and others, Chopra demonstrates how the body has amazing abilities to correct and heal itself. But for this to happen, "you need to feel comfortable in your body. There has to be a basic connection that isn't blocked by guilt, shame, and discomfort." Your thoughts and feelings determine how your cells will function. If your thoughts are constantly unhappy--angry, frustrated, sad, judgemental — losing weight and getting healthy is going to ...

(Originally published 21 May 2012 as " I know it's Spark heresy, but . . ." )  . . . I don't track my food. Now I don't object to anyone else tracking theirs. I've heard *many* Sparkers report how tracking is one of their most cherished and useful tools here on the site, and I say more power to 'em! I just don't want to do it. And just to let you know, I've lost over 60 pounds in the last year-and-a-half-plus, which represents more than a 25% reduction in my body weight, without weighing and measuring food or counting calories, carbs, fat, and the rest. I do track my freggie servings daily, and my water — which is woefully shy of the recommended 8 or more cups per day. I also track a couple of team goals related to food: on A Gathering of Goddesses, my Earth goal is to eat one or more servings of raw, unprocessed fruit or vegetables, and my healthy eating goal on the Babysteps Brigade is to eat no more than one dessert serving daily. (I tend to...

(Originally published 15 February 2012)  That was the Living Love "slogan" which appeared on a lovely banner featuring a radiant heart behind the facilitators at their workshops. I was reminded of this simple, yet profound guideline to creating more joy in your life (which founder Ken Keyes Jr likened to combining the wisdom of both Jesus and the Buddha), when I read a friend's huddle this morning: Balance dreaming with action. As a confirmed babystepper, I heartily endorse cultivating the habit of taking concrete steps (of any size) toward your goals and dreams on a regular basis. AND I would also encourage us all to balance action with acceptance. Resisting, denying, or hating where you are tends to keep you stuck here. Accepting where you are, without blame or shame, makes it easier to move closer to where you want to be. [Yes, I *can* write a short blog, even if I don't do it very often!]  Blessed Be, Amanda

(Originally published 14 February 2012)  I do adore this site for giving us the tools and the space to come together, and my Spark Friends for enriching my life as we walk this path together. And it is a good thing to tell the people who matter to us how very much we care, not just on Valentine's Day, but every day of the year. Self-love is often the harder lesson to learn and practice. The pain and suffering I hear in some of my Spark Friends' sharings — and the blogs I discover that they have commented on — can make my heart just ache. I am saddened whenever I hear someone expressing that belief that they aren't good enough or they can never change. I hate these lies that too many of us were sold in the past that stand as a barrier to creating the joyful and healthy lives that we all desire and deserve. And my comments are often variations on the message to be gentle with yourself, let go of trying to be perfect, choose one small, positive step you can take now, and w...

(Originally published 19 January 2012 )   The idea for this particular blog (part of my Conquer Clutter Campaign series) came today when I was replying to a Spark Friend's email about some travel plans: "I'm envious that you are able to travel, and not work full-time. I'm not very financially savvy, and have no idea when I'll ever be able to retire! I considered a dual focus this year of organizing and finances, but the former is the greater need for now, and the most challenging. I think it may really bring me face-to-face with some of my demons, and will stand as a clear metaphor for letting go of the past and creating the life I want to live. Wow, there's so totally a blog there, waiting to be written!" I've recognized before that clutter, like excess fat, is something that weighs me down and saps my energy. Though I've realized, too, it bothers me a lot more. Over a year ago (1/26/11) in my first 3C blog, I wrote: "I'm more ashamed...

(Originally published 15 January 2012 )   I was planning for my next blog to address my organizing campaign, which is my focus for this year, but instead it comes from my returning to a book I hadn't looked at in months, when I wanted something to read with my morning cup of coffee. It is Lilias! Yoga Gets Better with Age by Lilias Folan. She's had a long-running yoga program on PBS, and I became a fan of her AM and PM Yoga for Seniors video as a way to get back into a gentle yoga practice that honored my joints and plus-sized body. I had finally returned the copy I had gotten from the library, replacing it with one from Amazon (a spiral-bound one that can lie open as you work on postures, which is cool) — and promptly left off reading it somewhere in the middle. So I finished the section on the Wisdom Body (having previously read the parts dealing with the Physical Body, Energy Body and Mental/Emotional Body), this one focusing primarily on meditation. Then to the brief expl...

(Originally published 17 September 2011)  No, that is certainly not an original phrase; it's something of a personal growth aphorism. Yes, I believe it is far better to make positive choices because we want to enjoy benefits and positive consequences and prevent suffering and negative consequences. And yes, I still catch myself "shoulding" on me from time to time. What's the big deal, you may ask, aside from a mildly amusing play on words? When we think and speak in terms of what we "should" be doing, the desired behavior begins to change from a merely healthy or helpful action, and take on the quality of being "good for us," and if we therefore perform this activity adequately, we see ourselves as successful and "good." But if we don't perform the action at all, or not well enough or often enough, in our eyes we have "failed" and we must be "bad." We may use different words, like lazy, fat, stupid, helpless, p...

(Originally published 26 August 2011)  My huddle today was "Let go of pressure & choose to live with ease!" I started using an affirmation "I let go of pressure & choose to live with ease" after leaving the ophthalmologist's office and learning I'll need a laser procedure to deal with elevated pressure in one eye. It got me thinking about how I may be putting pressure on myself. I realize some people might think such ideas are antithetical to fitness or an invitation to sloth. But I do not equate ease with laziness. I like to challenge myself, and I like following my slow, but steady progress in weight loss. I don't mind the plateaus; I keep doing what I know is good for me, keep using my affirmations, and I've lost an unglamorous — yet cumulatively thrilling — 4 pounds per month for most of a year. Yet while I'm pretty good about accepting my imperfect, though improving eating and exercise, I can still get frustrated and angry with m...

(Originally published 24 March 2011) (Don’t worry, I’ll get to the mirror part yet — I just have to work my way there!) I left off mourning the tendency of many people — especially women — to withhold love and approval of themselves until some possible future when they just might attain a level of improvement, if not perfection, that would entitle them to earn compliments instead of criticism, when they could delight in rather than denigrate themselves. And I grieved for the 20% of Spark survey takers who could not imagine ever being satisfied with/pleased by/loving their bodies (sorry, I can’t remember the survey wording), no matter what improvements they managed to make. I know there is a goddess in every woman waiting to be discovered, waiting to be celebrated, cherished, adorned, to be respected, and afforded the exquisite care she deserves. Are you ready to claim her? Do you remember reading The Da Vinci Code, coming across the words "sacred feminine" and feeling you...

(Originally published 23 March 2011) A little background first. Two nights ago I read a Spark Friend's blog in which she spoke of not liking her looks, as in active dislike and non-acceptance. I proceeded to type several impassioned paragraphs, starting with how her words made me want to cry. But before I was done and could submit my reply, one of my fingers evidently hit the wrong key, and the entire message disappeared. I was much too tired to try to recreate it at the time, so left some abbreviated comments on her page and called it a night. I am currently transcribing my Motherpeace tarot reading from Ostara, the Spring Equinox. (I've been using this multi-cultural, matriarchal round deck for years, but have not memorized the meaning of each card, so I use Vicki Noble's book to explore the significance of each card in relation to its placement in the spread.) Given that I turned the Shaman of Swords in the Near Future position, about which Vicki writes "Share you...