Decluttering as Metaphor and Healing from Abuse

(Originally published 19 January 2012) 

The idea for this particular blog (part of my Conquer Clutter Campaign series) came today when I was replying to a Spark Friend's email about some travel plans:

"I'm envious that you are able to travel, and not work full-time. I'm not very financially savvy, and have no idea when I'll ever be able to retire! I considered a dual focus this year of organizing and finances, but the former is the greater need for now, and the most challenging. I think it may really bring me face-to-face with some of my demons, and will stand as a clear metaphor for letting go of the past and creating the life I want to live. Wow, there's so totally a blog there, waiting to be written!"

I've recognized before that clutter, like excess fat, is something that weighs me down and saps my energy. Though I've realized, too, it bothers me a lot more. Over a year ago (1/26/11) in my first 3C blog, I wrote: "I'm more ashamed of how I live than how I look; more ashamed of my home than my body; more ashamed of my clutter than my fat."

I've long suspected a link between my incest issues and organizing ones. (My last therapist was intrigued, and thought it a premise worthy of a dissertation.) The intensity of my shame and suffering and sense of helplessness harken back to the abuse. In another blog from 2/8/11, I reported: "It hasn't been that many days ago that I sent out a cry of help to SFs on my organizing teams because I was so overwhelmed by discouragement and despair over my disorganization, or that I sat here crying after reading the What I Cleaned reports of teammates who were taming entire rooms and closets, while I wrested a half-square-foot of counter space at a time. It seemed like they were capable and I wasn't, they were succeeding and I wasn't, they were organizers and I wasn't."

But there's more going on than feeling different, lacking, or unworthy; after all, I've done a lot of inner work, I've transformed a lot of negative core beliefs into positive ones, and most of the time I do see myself as a precious child of God, a blessed daughter of the Goddess who deserves a joyful, abundant, loving life. The chaos in which I live (also CHAOS, as in Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) reflects the lack of control I had over what happened to me as a child. When your needs were completely discounted, when what you wanted didn’t matter, when you had absolutely no say in decisions affecting your health and well-being, you may develop a reactive approach to life. I know it can be draining and almost painful to try to sort through papers and possessions, trying to determine what should stay or go and where something needs to be put. I can only keep at it for limited periods before I have to stop; it can almost bring on nausea.

I think I need to keep repeating an affirmation I developed to address both excess fat and clutter: “I easily let go of what I no longer need; I joyfully release all that does not serve me.” Of course, if you don’t have a clear vision of how you want to organize your life, your home, and each room in it, it can be hard to decide whether to keep or toss this document or that item, and if it stays, where it should go. Maybe it will help to keep reminding myself the choice is mine and I don’t have to choose perfectly. I can even choose to decide later.

I realize most organizers endorse the OHIO rule—Only Handle It Once. But since I’m doing this for me, and not to impress anyone else, I can sort the easy stuff and put off making a decision that might slow down my momentum or get me stuck. I can handle it as many times as I need to for me to feel good. The choice is, after all, mine to make, and I no longer have to play by someone else’s rules. And *that* feels liberating!