Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 21 February 2021) I have struggled with clutter and organization for decades. I know there is a strong link to the childhood abuse, where I had no control over my environment. I'm learning how trauma affects brain function, which can make the process especially challenging. This is currently a primary focus of my work with a wonderful new therapist, and this document grew out of our discussions. I do a lot of internal parts work, so "we" refers to my parts collectively. Bossy happens to be one of my strongly opinionated parts. I created this document and read it before each sorting session. Pre-sorting Pep Talk Bossy’s plea (paraphrased from 2/11/21 journal entry): We’ll never create the space and environment we want and deserve if we don’t put in consistent effort. We don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to push ourselves, but it won’t ever get done if WE don’t do it ! Please. I want this for all of us. We deserve space to breathe an

Keoni, kitties, and a flopping fish toy

(Originally published 1 February 2021 ) I gave a shout out to Amy of BodyFit by Amy some months ago. Now I have to urge you to check out Keoni Tamayo's free YouTube videos. Most are walking workouts, though he has a few Strength Training ones. His shortest was 8 minutes, his longest 1 hour 25 minutes (10,000 steps). Do keep in mind he has non-verbal cuing. Many of his videos have from 1 to 6 cats wandering or zooming through. The newest, posted yesterday is a short one, and one of the silliest yet. This is what I posted on my Spark teams: OMG! I laughed so hard at the kitties and the flopping fish — which looks real — in the new 10 minute Keoni walking workout: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vl-7G3RfOg One comment on the YouTube joked: "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but while you were busy your fish jumped out of its tank and died on the floor." My comment: "Another fun workout, but yeah, the cats — and the fish (I laughed to see her photo &

Challenge, don’t push

(Originally published 30 January 2021) I will say up front I refuse to use the Spark People emoticon “Keep Pushing.” I find it triggering and have wanted to explain why in a blog for a while now. I tense up when a YouTube instructor uses those words as well. I get defensive and resistant. As a victim of severe childhood sexual abuse, I was forced to do things I hated so much, that were so horrifying, I dissociated. My mind simply shut down & went away to protect myself from the trauma. So anything that smacks of force or pressure to behave a certain way is anathema to me. One of the first YouTube instructors I discovered, whom I sometimes like—Jessica Smith—said something I really appreciated: “Challenge yourself, but always take care of yourself.” And BodyFit by Amy (a longtime favorite) has several phrases I find motivating: “You be where you are today”; “If you showed up today, you are successful”; “Listen to your body and do what you need to do.” As Jessica urged, I do

An open letter to victims of sexual abuse & their loved ones

(Originally published 14 January 2021 ) [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know it i

Let’s make the holidays OK

(Originally published 1 December 2020 ) I am *really* embracing the concept and goal of doing OK, as opposed to trying (and failing) to do “my best” (because with my brain, I can always imagine a way to improve or do better). Recently I had wanted to go for a walk, but saw it was getting later than I had wanted to start, with the prettiest light fading. But I reminded myself it could be an OK walk—it didn’t have to be a great one. And it turned out so much better than I had hoped for: I got to watch a full moon rising and see some lovely early Christmas lights—delightful sights that filled my heart. That encouraged me to reach out to my sister to sound out the notion of settling for “OK holidays.” We often spend Christmas or New Year’s together, and have certain traditions we enjoy, but can be stressful to try and make happen. With this year in particular it’s hard to say what will be happening in the next weeks. Per the governor’s request and example, we spent Thanksgiving in our s

Let's Do OK Today

(Originally published 26 November 2020) I loved a comment I received on my previous blog 'Does it have to be my "best"?' I just sent her a goodie with this message, that I thought might be helpful for anyone else who is exhausted by chasing perfection or struggles with disappointment when they don't manage to do their "best": Your phrase "Let's do okay" has made it into my morning journaling more than once! I've taken to adding 'today' at the end: "Let's do okay today!" My inner parts can get really excited, because we know we can achieve that, rather than the elusive "best." This morning, one part laughed "We might even do Really Good today." I just find it energizing to know I won't fail. I wanted to send a special Thank You & wish you a joyous Thanksgiving Day. And while I'm thankful to this Sparker in particular, I'm also grateful for this site and for teammates around t

Does it have to be “my best”?

(Originally published 1 November 2020) I’ve been putting pressure on myself and feeling guilty for not getting more done or making more progress. When I journaled about the feelings, I discovered there was both guilt and shame around not doing enough or doing a better job at the things I say I want to accomplish. When I asked myself where those ideas or judgements came from, I realized I’m still being haunted by something I heard over 50 years ago! My father recounted a parent teacher conference in which he told the teacher that they (my parents) weren’t concerned about their children always getting top grades (though we pretty much did), that they “only” wanted us to do our best. Now here’s the thing: I’m dynamite at process improvement (a selling point I stressed in all those job resumes and letters of interest), because I’m always looking for ways to make something better, more cost efficient, more accurate, easier to use. So no matter what I do, I can always think of ways I co

Letting Go Again

(Originally published 31 October 2020) Funny, I’ve been thinking about Halloween—celebrated in Latin America as part of Días de los Muertos, or Days of the Dead. In pagan tradition too, it is a time for honoring those who have passed. I was thinking to acknowledge my father’s passing in a different way, but was startled to realize it’s been more than a year, which I discovered when I reread my blog Balancing Gifts and Demons which I wrote on 9/10/19: https://blessedbeingsblogpage.blogspot.com/2021/08/balancing-gifts-and-demons.html I misremembered that he passed away in early November last year, because that’s when my sister and I flew down to our ex-stepmom’s to spend a weekend with brother and SIL who came in from Turkey, and to see a number of old family friends who gathered for a party—people I hadn’t seen in decades. It was a lovely visit & I’m glad he brought us together. In journaling this week, I discovered an old belief I picked up from him is still having a negative

Getting out of a funk with a great self-help book

(Originally published 17 August 2020 ) I just figured out on last Thursday that I’m suffering from burnout. After 5 months of telecommuting, I had to go into the office to swap out laptops, and was able to read flyers for the few remaining employees in the building. Some of these had tips for self-care, including one on Burnout. After reading the symptoms, I realized I fit many of the descriptors. I’ve emailed the 2 supervisors responsible for my work group, who have both been given other duties, and so have not been checking in with us regularly. It doesn’t help that I’ve had all sorts of tech issues that have required hours of IT consultation and fixes on the new computer, including a crash this morning. Or that we’ve had people out. One is on temporary assignment elsewhere, and 3 called out today, leaving only 4 of us. It was so stressful, I was on the verge of tears several times this afternoon. So when the day finally ended, I wondered “What can I do to feel better when I’m so

Missing Circle Time

(Originally published 6 May 2020) The whole time I was commuting up to Seattle, first with the state, then with my much better job with the county, I would journal while waiting for the bus and on my bus ride. So 5 days a week I spent 30-60 minutes to recount accomplishments from the day before, set intentions for the day, & express whatever might be going on for me. But when we began telecommuting in response to the pandemic, I didn’t have that built-in time in my schedule anymore. I switched my alarm from 5 to 6, giving myself more sleep instead. It didn’t seem that important, and there hadn’t been that much emotional content to my journaling, especially since getting my career county position with a good salary. It seemed I was rolling with all the changes due to stay at home order pretty well. The only time I was trying to journal was while waiting in lines at stores, but by going early and planning trips well, I haven’t been waiting all that much. The last Saturday in Apri

What a difference a month makes!

(Originally published 1 April 20 20 ) From 3/1/20 to 4/1/20: I stay inside most of the time, I’ve been telecommuting for 3 weeks now, so it’s not surprising that my weight’s gone up 3 pounds. As a Spark Friend quoted from her local news: “Manatees eat for an average of 8 hours per day. Coronavirus has turned us all into manatees.” Still, I’m doing pretty well. I’m exercising during my breaks; I’ve made a list of short workouts that will fit into a 15-minute break. And now that we have full coverage in the call center, & coworkers with medical issues don’t need to take as many sick days since they can answer the phone from home, I’m finding time in between calls to do little tasks at home as well as catching up with work activities. So I’m feeling productive, which is very nice. Some days I’ll take a walk outside, just around the neighborhood—but since my area is hilly, it’s not just strolling. I’m mostly relying on YouTube videos to stay active, and have discovered new worko

Focusing on what I can do

(Originally published 27 March 20 20 ) It's a challenging time when so much is happening and disrupting our lives that is out of our control. It's easy to get caught up in fear and frustration over everything we can't do. Just like with losing weight or organizing, focusing on what we want and on the choices we can make is more motivating than always paying attention to the things we don't like or can't have or do. I may not be able to go to all the places I used to go, but I can go for a walk in the fresh air and wave at people I pass. My favorite restaurants may not be open, but I can plan healthy meals and try new recipes. I may not be able to go to the gym (or the Activity Room at my job, since we are telecommuting now), but I've been finding lots of new free exercise videos, including plenty I can do during my 15-minute breaks from my call center job. Even though I can't visit friends or my sister, I can reach out by phone, email, a card, or a

10 Years Sober

(Originally published 29 February 2020) I knew it was coming up, but I actually missed my own 10-year sobriety anniversary! It got eclipsed by official notification of my career position—ending a 14-month temporary assignment (which had been extended 3 months beyond the original 12) & the increasingly anxious 7-month job hunt for a more secure placement. But I know this is a major milestone, and I want to acknowledge it. Getting and staying sober was also the beginning of my journey away from obesity to greater wellness. It’s not that I was completely unhealthy before. I was into personal growth and working on my PTS issues, I ate lots of vegetable, I exercised some and was proud of my flexibility. Even at my heaviest (215 pounds on a 5’3” frame), I could bend at the waist and place my hands flat on the floor. I had tried to get sober with AA back in California, but had several unfortunate experiences that, as an incest survivor, made me feel unsafe in meetings and with sponso

Acknowledging progress, even the babysteps

(Originally published 26 February 2020) After writing this in my journal this morning, I thought, 'Hey, that's sort of profound' and so decided to share it with y'all: "We can't just focus on, or go straight to, what we wish we had done better. It's important to give ourselves credit for our babysteps and positive choices first. We don't have to ignore or cover up poor choices or tasks left undone, but there's no need to beat ourselves up or get bummed out. We'll stay more engaged and encouraged, enthusiastic and energized by acknowledging our progress first." It worked for me. By writing down several things I accomplished the previous day, I felt better and stronger, and eager to make more progress that night after getting home from work. Maybe this will resonate with some of you as well. Blessed Be, Amanda

Shout Out to BodyFit by Amy

August 04, 2021

(Originally published 24 November 2019) This is the comment I posted on YouTube after doing one of her videos for the first time: “Ow, ow! I sure felt this one—in a good way. I don't mind squats, and lunges are OK (though I can't bend too far), but this was great! As I shared on my Spark People teams: From beginner on up, you will get a lot out of this one. Only equipment is a chair (optional) for balance. Recommended!” (It was her 16 Minute Standing Low Impact Legs Workout--No Squats or Lunges! from 2 years ago) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJi7HhJJnE&t=7s As I read the other comments, I was struck by how many mentioned physical limitations and how this was the first workout they had found that worked for them. Another comment mentioned how good her prompts are, how easy to understand. I’ve shared with my teams how much I appreciate her many modifications to make things low impact, or what a beginner might need, or how to increase the challenge. I also love he

Balancing Gifts and Demons

August 04, 2021

(Originally published 10 September 2019) My father, who was my abuser, died a week ago. We had only recently learned he had kidney disease and limited time remaining. His ex-wife, a good friend, had power of attorney over his care and is now his executor. She chose palliative care over dialysis in order to make his remaining time more comfortable, but just 3 days after his hospital release, he passed away in his sleep. Knowing he was dying, I had done an internet search and found resources for when your abuser dies, including this excellent and comprehensive one: How to Cope when Your Abuser Passes Away: 14 Steps (with Pictures) (wikihow.com) My feelings remain ambivalent, as they were before this sudden health crisis and his passing. I was in therapy for several years at 2 times in my life, blessed with excellent therapists, the first trained in EMDR therapy, the second in family systems. We dealt with my PTSD that originated in “severe childhood sexual abuse.” I rarely get tr

No Shame Zone

(Originally published 21 July 2019) I'm struggling with frustration and aggravation over not accomplishing more. As I've dealt with new job applications (my wonderful county job is a temporary position), medical appointments, a dental emergency, and tardy car registration, my decluttering efforts have completely stalled. In fact just basic housework is hard to keep up with. I refuse to deny my feelings: yes, the messiness does get to me, and I long to make changes to my environment — and maintain the gains, instead of this constant yoyo decluttering. But I catch myself when I start using judgemental language, even in my own head. In a recent journaling session when the thought "what is wrong with me?" arose, one of my parts quickly inserted "Let's keep this a no shame zone!" What a wonderful concept — which brought immediate emotional relief. I like that idea of proclaiming my mind a No Shame Zone. Same goes for my home. I may want to make changes

More funnies from my aunt, "Church rules in France"

(Originally published 26 March 2019) It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God. On the other hand, it is not likely that He will contact you by phone. Thank you for turning off your phone. If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to Him. If you would like to see Him, send Him a text while driving.

LOL quotes by Phyllis Diller

(Originally published 11 March 2019) Sent to me by my Aunt Elnora. Have a laugh on us! ********************************************************** "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" — Phyllis Diller "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." — Phyllis Diller "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public." — Phyllis Diller "Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out." — Phyllis Diller "A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once." — Phyllis Diller "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." — Phyllis Diller "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." — Phyllis Diller "Any time three New Yorkers get into a

Sweet Sixty-Four

(Originally published 2 March 2019) Today I turn 64 years young. I refuse to think of myself as old. Indeed, I frequently begin affirmations with the phrase "I am young and healthy, I am strong and free," ending with an adverb (ending in ‘-ly’) such as "I choose to live intentionally." (I tend to favor rhyming affirmations.) A birthday, like the start of a new year, is a good time for reflection. I’m just 1 year way from needing to register for Social Security, though I plan on working until age 70 (at least). Speaking of working, the biggest change in the last year was finally getting a new job—leaving state employment for a position with King County. It has been a tremendous relief to no longer constantly worry about money. I’m not spending a lot more, but I don’t have to question every purchase or always choose the cheapest item. It’s been challenging to learn a completely new body of information. My customer service skills serve me well, and Outlook is the

Breathing in the Day, Revisited

(Originally published 4 August 2018) Just over 3 years ago, I shared a blog Breathing in the Day. I still haven't gotten a promotion or found a new job despite consistent seeking and submitting applications; I'm waiting to hear whether I'll be invited to a second interview on government application #80. But I'm in a good place emotionally. I'm not seeing a therapist anymore because I'm pretty happy the majority of the time. And though I don't struggle emotionally the way I used to, and I handle stresses at work much more successfully, I still practice my morning journaling — including Breathing in the Day. It helps me set intentions for what I want to experience and manifest. And while in the early days I changed up what I wrote, and paired different words and varied the number of pairs, I've settled on a pattern that I really like of 18 pairs. I like them, and they are easy for me to remember, but they are no better than what someone might choose for

Biblical humor—A 6th grader's book report on the Bible

(Originally published 7 December 2017) [Another (longer) funny email sent to me by my Aunt Elnora.] A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who l

Don't wash your hair in the shower [A Joke]

(Originally published 23 April 2017) I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower, and when I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Well, printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish washing soap. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower! (My aunt sent me this joke, and while I normally blog about more serious matters, I wanted to share a chuckle with you all.)

Hope & Light

(Originally published 7 March 2017 ) I took a moment to look out the balcony door and admire the rising sun. There is such beauty and hope in each new dawn. My heart expands and overflows with possibilities, love, joy, and hope, sweeping aside the discontent and grumbling over not doing more and over today's weight gain. I just had to jump up again and allow myself to bask in the brilliance of the Sun when she burst through the clouds to shine her light and glory on us all. She reminds me I am connected to the cosmos. I am filled with light, and it is up to me to let my light shine forth — taking positive steps, experiencing and sharing pleasure, acknowledging progress, strengthening resolve and determination to create and improve and expand. We can re-dedicate ourselves* to developing new routines and structures — to checking in after work, to tracking our movement and actions and setting intentions. [Journal entry 2/28 * Note, I employ first person plural to refer collect

Contentment

(Originally published 6 March 2017) I feel my heart overflowing: I'm content. I don't feel dissatisfied, like I need things to be different from how they are. I want to change some things, and I'm working on those positive changes, and that's a good thing. But I'm not in a terrible hurry. I'm taking small steps and having fun along the way. And that feels good and right. I love the balance and sense of enough. [Journal entry 2/26/17]

Intentions and Habits

(Originally published 1 January 2017) Hopefully you've figured out on your own, or accepted what they keep telling us here on Spark People, that starting the New Year with a big honking laundry list of resolutions about how you're suddenly going to be perfect is a sure-fire plan to fail. We can all make positive changes in our lives as long as we do it with focus, compassion, creativity, balance, and humor. (You were expecting me to advise you to be realistic, right? That can be helpful — as opposed to the fantasy of "I'm going to change these 10 things all at the same time and I'm going to do everything perfectly right now!" But to me admonitions to "be realistic" can carry a sense of limitation or lack, like if I was just good enough or motivated or something else enough, I could take the accelerated road to success, but because of something lacking in me, I'll have to be satisfied with the watered-down, easier, it'll take me so much l

Choosing Happiness as an Act of Rebellion