LOL quotes by Phyllis Diller

(Originally published 11 March 2019)  

Sent to me by my Aunt Elnora. Have a laugh on us! 

 **********************************************************

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" —Phyllis Diller

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." —Phyllis Diller

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public." —Phyllis Diller

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out." —Phyllis Diller

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once." —Phyllis Diller

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." —Phyllis Diller

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed." —Phyllis Diller

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." —Phyllis Diller

"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room." —Phyllis Diller

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." —Phyllis Diller

"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron." —Phyllis Diller

"His finest hour lasted a minute and a half." —Phyllis Diller

"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves." —Phyllis Diller

"My photographs don't do me justice--they look just like me." —Phyllis Diller

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: Keep away from children." —Phyllis Diller

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'" —Phyllis Diller

"The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." —Phyllis Diller

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type." —Phyllis Diller

****************************************************************
Oh, what a character she was! Hope you enjoyed these. Thanks, Auntie!


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An open letter to victims of sexual abuse & their loved ones

(Originally published 14 January 2021 )   [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know it i
Read more

Support Revisited: Thank you all!

  (Originally published on Spark People on 22 January 2011) My own experience has proved the truth of the sentiments in my previous blog on support being a gift that blesses. Within a week of writing those words, I hit a low point brought on by largely by pain—increasingly frequent back pain and burns and blisters on my right foot (my favorite, and largest, tea mug split in half just when I poured in the boiling water, which then poured onto my foot, which luckily had a thick sock on it)—which had curtailed my exercise and led to a profound loss of energy and a discouraged, bleak frame of mind. I recognized that I was sinking into a deep hole, and that I would need assistance to get out of it. Thank the Goddess that I was smart enough and strong enough to ask for help! I huddled with all my teams as usual yesterday morning, but instead of a personalized positive message which I normally like to contribute, I admitted that I was struggling and in need of encouragement. I changed my
Read more

The Last Book on Decluttering You'll Ever Need

(Originally published 27 February 2021)  That's the bold subtitle of Tracy McCubbin's 2019 organizing book Making Space, Clutter Free . Big thanks to my sister for finding and sharing it. I just picked it up from the library this morning, and loved what she has to say in the introductory chapter "What's Under the Clutter? A New Approach." She says she wants to liberate us from the shame and emotional weight of our clutter. "I want your home to be a place that you enjoy being in, that helps you quickly and efficiently get out into the world, and that you can share with others as often as you feel like. If your home isn't all three things — restful, helpful, and shareable — then on some level, your home is taking energy from you instead of supporting you to live your best life." Wow, if page 5 is that profound, I can't wait to dive in to better understanding the 7 emotional clutter blocks she identifies, and how to address them. She breaks her
Read more