Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 14 January 2021 )   [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know ...

(Originally published 31 October 2020)  Funny, I’ve been thinking about Halloween—celebrated in Latin America as part of Días de los Muertos, or Days of the Dead. In pagan tradition too, it is a time for honoring those who have passed. I was thinking to acknowledge my father’s passing in a different way, but was startled to realize it’s been more than a year, which I discovered when I reread my blog Balancing Gifts and Demons which I wrote on 9/10/19: https://blessedbeingsblogpage.blogspot.com/2021/08/balancing-gifts-and-demons.html I misremembered that he passed away in early November last year, because that’s when my sister and I flew down to our ex-stepmom’s to spend a weekend with brother and SIL who came in from Turkey, and to see a number of old family friends who gathered for a party—people I hadn’t seen in decades. It was a lovely visit & I’m glad he brought us together. In journaling this week, I discovered an old belief I picked up from him is still having a nega...

(Originally published 17 August 2020 )   I just figured out on last Thursday that I’m suffering from burnout. After 5 months of telecommuting, I had to go into the office to swap out laptops, and was able to read flyers for the few remaining employees in the building. Some of these had tips for self-care, including one on Burnout. After reading the symptoms, I realized I fit many of the descriptors. I’ve emailed the 2 supervisors responsible for my work group, who have both been given other duties, and so have not been checking in with us regularly. It doesn’t help that I’ve had all sorts of tech issues that have required hours of IT consultation and fixes on the new computer, including a crash this morning. Or that we’ve had people out. One is on temporary assignment elsewhere, and 3 called out today, leaving only 4 of us. It was so stressful, I was on the verge of tears several times this afternoon. So when the day finally ended, I wondered “What can I do to feel better when I’...

(Originally published 6 May 2020)  The whole time I was commuting up to Seattle, first with the state, then with my much better job with the county, I would journal while waiting for the bus and on my bus ride. So 5 days a week I spent 30-60 minutes to recount accomplishments from the day before, set intentions for the day, & express whatever might be going on for me. But when we began telecommuting in response to the pandemic, I didn’t have that built-in time in my schedule anymore. I switched my alarm from 5 to 6, giving myself more sleep instead. It didn’t seem that important, and there hadn’t been that much emotional content to my journaling, especially since getting my career county position with a good salary. It seemed I was rolling with all the changes due to stay at home order pretty well. The only time I was trying to journal was while waiting in lines at stores, but by going early and planning trips well, I haven’t been waiting all that much. The last Saturday in ...

(Originally published 29 February 2020)  I knew it was coming up, but I actually missed my own 10-year sobriety anniversary! It got eclipsed by official notification of my career position—ending a 14-month temporary assignment (which had been extended 3 months beyond the original 12) & the increasingly anxious 7-month job hunt for a more secure placement. But I know this is a major milestone, and I want to acknowledge it. Getting and staying sober was also the beginning of my journey away from obesity to greater wellness. It’s not that I was completely unhealthy before. I was into personal growth and working on my PTS issues, I ate lots of vegetable, I exercised some and was proud of my flexibility. Even at my heaviest (215 pounds on a 5’3” frame), I could bend at the waist and place my hands flat on the floor. I had tried to get sober with AA back in California, but had several unfortunate experiences that, as an incest survivor, made me feel unsafe in meetings and with sp...

(Originally published 10 September 2019)  My father, who was my abuser, died a week ago. We had only recently learned he had kidney disease and limited time remaining. His ex-wife, a good friend, had power of attorney over his care and is now his executor. She chose palliative care over dialysis in order to make his remaining time more comfortable, but just 3 days after his hospital release, he passed away in his sleep. Knowing he was dying, I had done an internet search and found resources for when your abuser dies, including this excellent and comprehensive one: How to Cope when Your Abuser Passes Away: 14 Steps (with Pictures) (wikihow.com)   My feelings remain ambivalent, as they were before this sudden health crisis and his passing. I was in therapy for several years at 2 times in my life, blessed with excellent therapists, the first trained in EMDR therapy, the second in family systems. We dealt with my PTSD that originated in “severe childhood sexual abuse.” I rare...

(Originally published 30 November 2015)  Those were the arresting words my therapist said to me about my clutter. I had just recounted how losing those 65 pounds hadn't been nearly as hard as trying to get rid of and organize my "stuff." I had assumed I could use the same babystep approach that helped me gradually shed the excess weight, but I'm not having the same sort of success. "I'm smart. It shouldn't be this hard. I should be able to figure it out!" That's when she told me "Your clutter has nothing to do with being smart or capable. It's about something else." And no, she didn't explain what it IS about; I get that I need to explore and decide that for myself. And I've already begun to address it in my journaling and parts work. But it has helped relieve some of the intense pain and shame I feel. As I told her, I was always more ashamed of my clutter than of my fat. Somehow I was always compassionate about my body,...

(Originally published 26 August 2015)  Here is another of my morning rituals, that I perform to put myself in a positive mood. As I mentioned in my last blog, "I devised [them] to help combat the emotional pain and sometime despair that plagued me all too often when I contemplated the poor management, negligence and dissatisfaction I experience at work." I actually started practicing this one first, but now I start with Breathing In the Day, followed by Singing In the Morning. It's rather like a Gratitude Journal, simply writing down positives to focus on from the previous day. I include blessings and acts kindness from others, but what I list most often are things I've done that I'm proud of, and progress I made. Acknowledging my accomplishments and babysteps helps me stay motivated and encouraged, especially when there is a lot of stress and numerous obstacles to deal with. I know many people like to reflect on their day at night, recalling their blessings a...

(Originally published 17 August 2013)  Hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I last blogged. I’ve never been an daily blogger—I wait until I have something inspiring or important to share. But I admit I’ve also gotten into that mindset that my blogs should be positive or hopeful—and that’s not really how I’ve been feeling. Life wasn’t bad. I had lost those 75 pounds over 2-plus years, I was maintaining a healthy weight and trying to focus on applying what worked with shedding the pounds with shedding that other kind of weight—the clutter in my home that has plagued me for years. Sure I’d get stressed at work, and sometimes my PTSD would get triggered, but not big time: I wasn’t miserable. Then came the pinched nerve. My arm and hand kept buzzing uncomfortably at odd times during the day, sometimes going into a dull but debilitating aching. I didn’t know what was causing it. It was getting worse, so I went to the doctor who recommended physical therapy and seeing a chiropract...

(Originally published 8 June 2012)  I'm not proposing a theory here, but noting some interesting anecdotal samples or possible evidence. I had been hanging out for weeks around 151 to 152, very close to my goal weight, but just maintaining. I was preparing for an introductory meeting at work about the Full Plate Diet. (I'm a new member of our office wellness committee, and had been asked to lead our first group.) I was a bit nervous, not sure if we would get enough interest to proceed. I put quite a bit of time and preparation into it, and the meeting went quite well. A small group attended, and almost each person signed up to participate in the 8 sessions. I was quite relieved afterward, and the following morning, my weight dropped down to 150.0 for the first time. Was there a connection? I remained at 150.0 for the next several days, over the weekend and on Monday. Then we had a mandatory training that day. The first part was fun and insightful, but the second part was ha...

(Originally published 26 May 2012)  When I mention suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I’m sometimes asked if I’m a veteran. (Maybe they are wondering if I’m old enough to have been a nurse in Nam.) In most people’s minds, PTSD is linked to combat. But there are other traumas, other horrors, that afflict large numbers—particularly women. Victims of abuse and violence—whether a single random act in the near past, or chronic abuse from long ago—carry emotional scars and can be triggered by situations just as easily as the combat vet who dives for cover when a car backfires. Last year, on Memorial Day, I posted a blog, My Memorial Day Dedication, which opened with this paragraph: "'Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive' was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse w...

(Originally published 2 October 2011)  I lost my sweet Kenny recently. He was the joy of my heart for 16 years, from the time I could hold him in one hand. I loved being a kitty mommy for the first time, and he was sweet-tempered and affectionate. My mom passed away 6 months before Kenny came into my life, so she never knew her grandcat. I like to think of them getting to know each other as they watch over me. I only regret my mom, who lived alone, never had such a companion to share those last lonely years. During our snuggle sessions, I would often notice that expansive feeling in my heart, and I would often thank him and thank the Goddess for the blessing of having him in my life. Had my mom likewise enjoyed daily doses of affection and joy, she could have been much happier, and may have lived longer. I like to exercise and enjoy a pretty healthy diet. And I believe being Kenny's mommy has been good for my physical and emotional health as well. I'm not on a timeline to...

(Originally published 18 September 2011 as Casual cruelty at the gym)  I was roughly in the middle of my workout, feeling good, recording my reps and weights (increased a couple of the latter), saying my simplified affirmations through my slow repetitions. There was a guy on the machine next to me, and as two of his friends approached him, one called out "Hey b***h!" The name wasn't addressed to me, the voice wasn't especially loud (nor had any attempt been made to soften it, so the speaker evidently felt no compunction about his choice of words or volume in a public setting), and the tone wasn't angry or threatening. (It was said in that joking manner Martians use to insult each other, like "doofus" or "jerkwad.") Still, my mood plummeted. It was one more example of how little respect some men have for women. The fact that derogatory terms for women or female anatomy should be used as insults just feel like one more attack, one more violat...

(Originally published 6 August 2011)  My huddle today, in all my teams, was "Add gentle, joyful stretching to your day — aaahhh!" It's easy to focus on aerobic and resistance (such as weightlifting) exercises that strengthen the muscles, the heart (a very *important* muscle), the bones, that expend lots of calories and earn those cardio & strength training points. But for balance and overall health and well-being, stretching has a place in your daily routines as well. Any competent fitness teacher or program should be reminding you that after a workout that contracts your muscles, you need to spend time lengthening them, or stretching. You'll experience less soreness following strenuous activity. You will maintain and improve range of motion. Your muscles and joints will thank you. And it feels good! I hope none of you are still caught up with that antiquated, dangerous notion of "No pain, no gain" when it comes to exercise. It's all very well to...