Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 30 January 2021)   I will say up front I refuse to use the Spark People emoticon “Keep Pushing.” I find it triggering and have wanted to explain why in a blog for a while now. I tense up when a YouTube instructor uses those words as well. I get defensive and resistant. As a victim of severe childhood sexual abuse, I was forced to do things I hated so much, that were so horrifying, I dissociated. My mind simply shut down & went away to protect myself from the trauma. So anything that smacks of force or pressure to behave a certain way is anathema to me. One of the first YouTube instructors I discovered, whom I sometimes like—Jessica Smith—said something I really appreciated: “Challenge yourself, but always take care of yourself.” And BodyFit by Amy (a longtime favorite) has several phrases I find motivating: “You be where you are today”; “If you showed up today, you are successful”; “Listen to your body and do what you need to do.” As Jessica ur...

(Originally published 21 July 2019)   I'm struggling with frustration and aggravation over not accomplishing more. As I've dealt with new job applications (my wonderful county job is a temporary position), medical appointments, a dental emergency, and tardy car registration, my decluttering efforts have completely stalled. In fact just basic housework is hard to keep up with. I refuse to deny my feelings: yes, the messiness does get to me, and I long to make changes to my environment — and maintain the gains, instead of this constant yoyo decluttering. But I catch myself when I start using judgemental language, even in my own head. In a recent journaling session when the thought "what is wrong with me?" arose, one of my parts quickly inserted "Let's keep this a no shame zone!" What a wonderful concept — which brought immediate emotional relief. I like that idea of proclaiming my mind a No Shame Zone. Same goes for my home. I may want to make changes...

(Originally published 7 January 2014)  This was my most recent status: “Anger over a situation at work is motivating me to make plans to address my own situation as well as the larger issues. It's unsettling, but empowering. Trying NOT to stay stuck in anger or hurt.” The latter has been hard. As I was trying to do an Oprah/Chopra meditation on CD this morning, I started weeping, then began repeating the EFT tapping routine just to bring some emotional relief. I was journaling over my morning coffee (fully recognizing that my PTS has been triggered over issues about being taken advantage of at work) when I wrote this: "I want to keep remembering and affirming that I deserve better. I deserve fair pay and treatment at work. I deserve an abundant salary for the value of my work. I deserve to be treated with respect and care. I deserve to be free of a toxic, dysfunctional environment." Especially with that last statement, something shifted. I went on to journal "T...

(Originally published 3 December 2013)  According to Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, it has "enormous power to create shame and guilt" yet is so ingrained and commonly used, many of us can't imagine living without it. It is the word "should." It is strongly judgmental, and suggests the person not doing what they "should" is somehow morally defective or bad — or lazy or stupid, or somehow branded by one or more negative characteristics. It also implies a lack of choice which leads to resistance, for humans crave freedom and choice, and abhor tyranny "even when it's internal tyranny in the form of a "should." Though most of the book focuses on skills and attitudes that assist you in communicating more harmoniously and effectively with others, I was most struck by Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves. I especially liked the point he makes on p. 132: "Our challenge then, when we are doing ...

(Originally published 24 February 2013)  4 weeks ago, when I wrote the blog "A new challenge and refined focus," I ended with the pledge to relaunch my Conquer Clutter Campaign. That was the alliterative title I came up with a couple years ago, I think, around the time I founded the Babysteps Brigade. Babysteps (the approach and the small, enthusiastic team) have served me well on my weight loss journey: 75 pounds lost over more than 2 years, gradually and relatively easily, by making small incremental changes in diet, exercise, thinking, routines. But I realized the time had come to do more than spend the occasional 5 minutes here & 10 minutes there if I were ever to win myself free of the lifetime of clutter and disorganization that has weighed me down and kept me stuck, just as surely as those 75 excess pounds ever did. And so I made the sacrifice of suspending my beloved kung fu training in order to devote solid blocks of time to this new endeavor. Within days of ...

(Originally published 29 October 2012 as  What we do to ourselves )   I was taking a break and journaling after a stint of decluttering and organizing work. As soon as I wrote it, this sentence jumped off the page at me: "I was feeling frantic and not far from tears earlier, thinking 'I can't do this anymore!' and then wondering why and how I keep doing this to myself." The first "do this" (as in I can't anymore) was the sorting, the deciding is it trash? do I keep it? where should it go? Occasionally the answer is obvious and the choice easy to make. But more often, I'm not sure; a whole host of questions and considerations and options come up, and I don't know what's the best thing to do, and I often end up putting it in an undecided category and postponing the determination. The second "do this" (as in why do I keep doing this to myself?) was my wail of despair not unlike the blogs I sometimes read by Sparkers disgusted a...

(Originally published 1 May 2012)  When I think and talk about organizing, I often focus on what I don't want — to lose or forget things, what I want to get rid of — the clutter, the junk, the messiness, & how I don't want to feel — ashamed, sloppy, hopeless, frustrated. Positive language is recommended for affirmations, and I have created a pair of statements around this issue: "I choose how I will live — I choose to live in beauty and order; I choose how I will live — I choose to live in comfort and ease." I had an insight this morning while shuffling my Mother Peace tarot cards for a reading, and formulating the question I for which I was seeking guidance: I passionately desire to create a beautiful, intentional and supportive environment. Words have power, and for me, this phrase summarizes essential qualities that were missing from my family home, and for which I yearn. Just as I am more motivated to *increase* strength, flexibility, fitness, health, an...

(Originally published 10 November 2011)  "It's impossible to lose weight over the holidays, so why even try?" "I always gain 10-20 pounds over Thanksgiving and Christmas, then I have to diet until Easter to get rid of it." "I'm too busy to exercise with all the holiday rush, so of course I'll gain weight." "It's too cold/dark/wet in the winter to exercise." "It's too hard to diet over the holidays, so I should just not try until after New Year’s." Does this sound like you? Are you convinced one or more or all of these statements are true? If that is what you believe, then you will probably make them come true for you. No matter what you have experienced in the past, why not try out a new belief or two over the next couple of months. I started seriously solo Sparking (I had yet to discover the power and joy of teams) last fall. Over 3 or 4 months, I lost better than 15 pounds, and weighed less than 200 for the...

(Originally published 18 September 2011 as Casual cruelty at the gym)  I was roughly in the middle of my workout, feeling good, recording my reps and weights (increased a couple of the latter), saying my simplified affirmations through my slow repetitions. There was a guy on the machine next to me, and as two of his friends approached him, one called out "Hey b***h!" The name wasn't addressed to me, the voice wasn't especially loud (nor had any attempt been made to soften it, so the speaker evidently felt no compunction about his choice of words or volume in a public setting), and the tone wasn't angry or threatening. (It was said in that joking manner Martians use to insult each other, like "doofus" or "jerkwad.") Still, my mood plummeted. It was one more example of how little respect some men have for women. The fact that derogatory terms for women or female anatomy should be used as insults just feel like one more attack, one more violat...

(Originally published 17 September 2011)  No, that is certainly not an original phrase; it's something of a personal growth aphorism. Yes, I believe it is far better to make positive choices because we want to enjoy benefits and positive consequences and prevent suffering and negative consequences. And yes, I still catch myself "shoulding" on me from time to time. What's the big deal, you may ask, aside from a mildly amusing play on words? When we think and speak in terms of what we "should" be doing, the desired behavior begins to change from a merely healthy or helpful action, and take on the quality of being "good for us," and if we therefore perform this activity adequately, we see ourselves as successful and "good." But if we don't perform the action at all, or not well enough or often enough, in our eyes we have "failed" and we must be "bad." We may use different words, like lazy, fat, stupid, helpless, p...