Cast this violent word from your speech
According to Marshall Rosenberg, author of
Nonviolent Communication, it has "enormous power to create shame and
guilt" yet is so ingrained and commonly used, many of us can't imagine
living without it. It is the word "should."
It is strongly judgmental, and suggests the person not doing what they
"should" is somehow morally defective or bad—or lazy or stupid, or
somehow branded by one or more negative characteristics. It also implies a lack
of choice which leads to resistance, for humans crave freedom and choice, and
abhor tyranny "even when it's internal tyranny in the form of a
"should."
Though most of the book focuses on skills and attitudes that assist you in
communicating more harmoniously and effectively with others, I was most struck
by Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves. I especially liked the
point he makes on p. 132: "Our challenge then, when we are doing something
that is not enriching life, is to evaluate ourselves moment by moment in a way
that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go,
and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves, rather than out of
self-hatred, guilt or shame."
When our actions or progress do not yet match our values or goals, there is no
need to call ourselves names or condemn ourselves, for that does not inspire
lasting and joyful change. It is much healthier and more helpful to contemplate
what we "could" do (examining our many options) and what we most deeply
desire (considering our truest motivation) than beating ourselves up over what
we think we "should" be doing.
So who's up to the challenge of no longer "shoulding" on yourself?
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