Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 30 January 2021)   I will say up front I refuse to use the Spark People emoticon “Keep Pushing.” I find it triggering and have wanted to explain why in a blog for a while now. I tense up when a YouTube instructor uses those words as well. I get defensive and resistant. As a victim of severe childhood sexual abuse, I was forced to do things I hated so much, that were so horrifying, I dissociated. My mind simply shut down & went away to protect myself from the trauma. So anything that smacks of force or pressure to behave a certain way is anathema to me. One of the first YouTube instructors I discovered, whom I sometimes like—Jessica Smith—said something I really appreciated: “Challenge yourself, but always take care of yourself.” And BodyFit by Amy (a longtime favorite) has several phrases I find motivating: “You be where you are today”; “If you showed up today, you are successful”; “Listen to your body and do what you need to do.” As Jessica ur...

(Originally published 14 January 2021 )   [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know ...

(Originally published 10 September 2019)  My father, who was my abuser, died a week ago. We had only recently learned he had kidney disease and limited time remaining. His ex-wife, a good friend, had power of attorney over his care and is now his executor. She chose palliative care over dialysis in order to make his remaining time more comfortable, but just 3 days after his hospital release, he passed away in his sleep. Knowing he was dying, I had done an internet search and found resources for when your abuser dies, including this excellent and comprehensive one: How to Cope when Your Abuser Passes Away: 14 Steps (with Pictures) (wikihow.com)   My feelings remain ambivalent, as they were before this sudden health crisis and his passing. I was in therapy for several years at 2 times in my life, blessed with excellent therapists, the first trained in EMDR therapy, the second in family systems. We dealt with my PTSD that originated in “severe childhood sexual abuse.” I rare...

(Originally published 30 May 2015)  A teammate asked for any advice to prepare her for her first mammogram, and this is what I shared: I didn't have a mammogram until after I turned 50, and out of the 4 I've had, 2 went well and 2 triggered PTSD episodes. Things I've found that can help: Schedule extra time, so you aren't rushed. If you can control the pressure knob/dial/pedal, it's easier to take your time and be with the discomfort when someone else isn't "doing it to you." K eep breathing! Don't be afraid to halt the procedure if you're getting freaked, or if your tech is causing problems. I wish I had been stronger on this last time. Bring a champion to help you stay present, watch your reactions, and intercede if necessary. My sister is going to do this for me next time, as she did so well with my dental procedures. Warn them ahead of your issues (with the large numbers of abuse survivors, they should be sensitive to all this already!) a...

(Originally published 19 April 2012)  I had an epiphany of sorts in the shower this morning, which is where they often seem to come to me, and I hope I can recall those thoughts that flowed through my consciousness some eleven hours ago. I think I had been repeating some of the affirmations I've developed to encourage a shift in my attitudes around organizing and decluttering: "I easily let go of what I no longer need; I joyfully release all that does not serve me." (I like that this can apply to excess weight, limiting beliefs, judgements, toxic relationships, not just clutter.) "I easily choose a good place for what I own; I enjoy putting things in a good home." I was contemplating the decisions that have to be made — do I keep it? where should it go? how often does it get used? where do I use it? is it easy to access? should it be stored? where? in what? — in decluttering, and how overwhelming answering all those questions can be. In trying to reframe h...

(Originally published 2 June 2012)  This blog has grown out of a comment I wrote, responding to a comment on my Be a Warrior blog. (I think that blog is one of my best & most important, up there with Let Me Be Your Mirror and It Doesn't Have to Be Hard.) This is the first time I've posted 2 comments, myself, in response to the comments of Spark Friends. This is the comment I just wrote: "I personally don't choose to focus on trying to understand why my father abused me. I know I did not deserve to be abused, to be made to feel helpless or unloved. And I know that I am not helpless anymore. I am strong, and getting stronger all the time. I choose to love and nurture myself with healthy eating and exercise. I do my best to remove negative thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with hopeful, empowering, loving affirmations and habits. My current focus, now that I've been quite successful at releasing my excess weight, is on creating a beautiful & ...

(Originally published 26 May 2012)  When I mention suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I’m sometimes asked if I’m a veteran. (Maybe they are wondering if I’m old enough to have been a nurse in Nam.) In most people’s minds, PTSD is linked to combat. But there are other traumas, other horrors, that afflict large numbers—particularly women. Victims of abuse and violence—whether a single random act in the near past, or chronic abuse from long ago—carry emotional scars and can be triggered by situations just as easily as the combat vet who dives for cover when a car backfires. Last year, on Memorial Day, I posted a blog, My Memorial Day Dedication, which opened with this paragraph: "'Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive' was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse w...

(Originally published 19 January 2012 )   The idea for this particular blog (part of my Conquer Clutter Campaign series) came today when I was replying to a Spark Friend's email about some travel plans: "I'm envious that you are able to travel, and not work full-time. I'm not very financially savvy, and have no idea when I'll ever be able to retire! I considered a dual focus this year of organizing and finances, but the former is the greater need for now, and the most challenging. I think it may really bring me face-to-face with some of my demons, and will stand as a clear metaphor for letting go of the past and creating the life I want to live. Wow, there's so totally a blog there, waiting to be written!" I've recognized before that clutter, like excess fat, is something that weighs me down and saps my energy. Though I've realized, too, it bothers me a lot more. Over a year ago (1/26/11) in my first 3C blog, I wrote: "I'm more ashamed...

(Originally published 30 May 2011)  "Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive" was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse who didn't become survivors. I recently joined a Spark team for survivors of abuse. I've done intensive therapy and a lot of inner work on my own incest issues over the years. But Post Traumatic Stress can still affect me, interrupting my progress and threatening the gains I've made in my journey toward well-being, health, and wholeness. In a discussion on the survivor team, I mentioned being in a small class, in which 3 of the 4 of us had been sexually abused. One of the team leaders responded that wasn't surprising, given the large numbers of victims of sexual abuse & assault, especially in childhood. Is it any wonder so many women stru...