What now, rather than why

(Originally published 2 June 2012) 

This blog has grown out of a comment I wrote, responding to a comment on my Be a Warrior blog. (I think that blog is one of my best & most important, up there with Let Me Be Your Mirror and It Doesn't Have to Be Hard.) This is the first time I've posted 2 comments, myself, in response to the comments of Spark Friends. This is the comment I just wrote:

"I personally don't choose to focus on trying to understand why my father abused me. I know I did not deserve to be abused, to be made to feel helpless or unloved. And I know that I am not helpless anymore. I am strong, and getting stronger all the time.

I choose to love and nurture myself with healthy eating and exercise. I do my best to remove negative thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with hopeful, empowering, loving affirmations and habits. My current focus, now that I've been quite successful at releasing my excess weight, is on creating a beautiful & supportive environment. It's slow going, but then the journey to wholeness and well-being is not a race; it is a lifelong pursuit.

I wish us all success and joy as we travel this path."

I'm not saying that we should never ask why. In fact, when I know I'm over-reacting to a situation, I often find it helpful to reflect and find what thought or event triggered that particular intense emotional response. It pretty much always goes back to the incest; it is amazing how that kind of trauma can affect so much of our thinking and ways of interacting with and perceiving the world.

The point is not to stop at why. I'm not sure it's healthy to spend too much time examining our past and our negative patterns. It's also important to look at what other choices we have. What can we do now, in this moment, that is more empowering, more loving, healthier and more life-affirming?

I see a lot of people focusing only on what they eat and how much they exercise, and refusing to look at how their thinking, relationships and beliefs may be preventing them from achieving their goals. But it is also dangerous to spend all your time thinking about what's wrong, wishing everything were different or focusing too much attention on the past. It's hard to move forward if you spend all your time looking back. Or as I heard here on Spark, there's a reason your rearview mirror is small and your windshield is big: it's more important to see where you're going than where you've been.

Blessed Be, Amanda

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