Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 14 January 2021 )   [In sorting through old papers, I found a copy of a letter I wrote in 2001 to my aunts and cousins. I don’t know if any of them took action based on my urging. (My relatives are fundamentalist Christians, which is why I use more religious language than usual.) When I read the letter to my new therapist last week, we both teared up and she applauded my bravery in sharing it. I realized too many other families have similar histories, so am choosing to share it here, in hopes that it may encourage others to seek help for themselves or people they care about.] I have considered writing such a letter for more than a year. Having very recently obtained information supporting my earlier suspicions, I know it is my responsibility to speak to you and to help break the cycle of silence—and violence—which has plagued our family for generations. I am an incest survivor. My mother admitted to me once that she had been fondled by her father. I know ...

(Originally published 31 October 2020)  Funny, I’ve been thinking about Halloween—celebrated in Latin America as part of Días de los Muertos, or Days of the Dead. In pagan tradition too, it is a time for honoring those who have passed. I was thinking to acknowledge my father’s passing in a different way, but was startled to realize it’s been more than a year, which I discovered when I reread my blog Balancing Gifts and Demons which I wrote on 9/10/19: https://blessedbeingsblogpage.blogspot.com/2021/08/balancing-gifts-and-demons.html I misremembered that he passed away in early November last year, because that’s when my sister and I flew down to our ex-stepmom’s to spend a weekend with brother and SIL who came in from Turkey, and to see a number of old family friends who gathered for a party—people I hadn’t seen in decades. It was a lovely visit & I’m glad he brought us together. In journaling this week, I discovered an old belief I picked up from him is still having a nega...

(Originally published 10 September 2019)  My father, who was my abuser, died a week ago. We had only recently learned he had kidney disease and limited time remaining. His ex-wife, a good friend, had power of attorney over his care and is now his executor. She chose palliative care over dialysis in order to make his remaining time more comfortable, but just 3 days after his hospital release, he passed away in his sleep. Knowing he was dying, I had done an internet search and found resources for when your abuser dies, including this excellent and comprehensive one: How to Cope when Your Abuser Passes Away: 14 Steps (with Pictures) (wikihow.com)   My feelings remain ambivalent, as they were before this sudden health crisis and his passing. I was in therapy for several years at 2 times in my life, blessed with excellent therapists, the first trained in EMDR therapy, the second in family systems. We dealt with my PTSD that originated in “severe childhood sexual abuse.” I rare...

(Originally published 17 August 2013)  Hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I last blogged. I’ve never been an daily blogger—I wait until I have something inspiring or important to share. But I admit I’ve also gotten into that mindset that my blogs should be positive or hopeful—and that’s not really how I’ve been feeling. Life wasn’t bad. I had lost those 75 pounds over 2-plus years, I was maintaining a healthy weight and trying to focus on applying what worked with shedding the pounds with shedding that other kind of weight—the clutter in my home that has plagued me for years. Sure I’d get stressed at work, and sometimes my PTSD would get triggered, but not big time: I wasn’t miserable. Then came the pinched nerve. My arm and hand kept buzzing uncomfortably at odd times during the day, sometimes going into a dull but debilitating aching. I didn’t know what was causing it. It was getting worse, so I went to the doctor who recommended physical therapy and seeing a chiropract...

(Originally published 4 July 2012 ) I knew I would spend some time this Independence Day holiday thinking about freedom. I just finished writing in my journal, and will share here where my current focus is. I enjoy greater physical freedom with the 65 pounds I've shed over the last 20 months. I'm very gradually getting free of some of the clutter and disorganization as well. There's still a lot to do on that front, but I feel more confident that I will continue to make progress. A very new possibility has opened up for me with my interest in quantum healing. If we can encourage our bodies to essentially "grow younger" and heal various conditions, to access vibrant health and energy as we attract abundance into our lives, might I heal my PTSD and chemical sensitivities at a cellular level? I have found Deepak Chopra's works such as (The Essential) Ageless Body, Timeless Mind , The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success , and especially Reinventing the Body, Resu...

(Originally published 1 July 2012 )   I just finished Deepak Chopra's Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul . * It may be the best self-help book I have ever read; it is certainly one of the most profound, powerful, and practical. It is so good that as soon as I finished the final page, I turned back to the first in order to begin again. This time I plan to spend more time delving into the exercises, recording and journaling on the various tools and activities he suggests. The book opens on a very personal note. At the beginning of the Introduction: The Forgotten Miracle, he recounts his first encounter with a cadaver in medical school: "I took my scalpel and cut a fine line down the skin over the breastbone. The mystery of the human body was about to reveal itself. At that moment I also stripped the body of its sacred nature. I crossed a line that is nearly impossible to recross ever again." The first section of the book is Reinventing Your Body. Here Chopra ...

(Originally published 10 June 2012)  My team huddles “You have time for what matters most.” and today's status “BLESSEDBEING just finished reading Chopra's RTB, RTS Breakthrough #5: Time Isn't Your Enemy. Awesome! Blog to come. (Teaser: Diet & exercise are NOT the main keys to anti-aging.)” gave a preview to this blog. Deepak Chopra wrote Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul in 2009. I'm still slogging through Quantum Healing at work, reading over my lunch hour; it was written in the 80's, more dry science, less humor and poetry. In contrast, I was reading the newer book on the elliptical machine at the club today, alternately laughing and crying. There is such power, such beauty, such simplicity to his message. This may be my favorite book of his so far. I had gotten a hint when I read The Essential Ageless Body, Timeless Mind (condensed from that popular work from 15 years ago) about the mistaken beliefs we have about time. I've started using an...

(Originally published 8 June 2012)  I'm not proposing a theory here, but noting some interesting anecdotal samples or possible evidence. I had been hanging out for weeks around 151 to 152, very close to my goal weight, but just maintaining. I was preparing for an introductory meeting at work about the Full Plate Diet. (I'm a new member of our office wellness committee, and had been asked to lead our first group.) I was a bit nervous, not sure if we would get enough interest to proceed. I put quite a bit of time and preparation into it, and the meeting went quite well. A small group attended, and almost each person signed up to participate in the 8 sessions. I was quite relieved afterward, and the following morning, my weight dropped down to 150.0 for the first time. Was there a connection? I remained at 150.0 for the next several days, over the weekend and on Monday. Then we had a mandatory training that day. The first part was fun and insightful, but the second part was ha...

(Originally published 2 June 2012)  This blog has grown out of a comment I wrote, responding to a comment on my Be a Warrior blog. (I think that blog is one of my best & most important, up there with Let Me Be Your Mirror and It Doesn't Have to Be Hard.) This is the first time I've posted 2 comments, myself, in response to the comments of Spark Friends. This is the comment I just wrote: "I personally don't choose to focus on trying to understand why my father abused me. I know I did not deserve to be abused, to be made to feel helpless or unloved. And I know that I am not helpless anymore. I am strong, and getting stronger all the time. I choose to love and nurture myself with healthy eating and exercise. I do my best to remove negative thought patterns and behaviors and replace them with hopeful, empowering, loving affirmations and habits. My current focus, now that I've been quite successful at releasing my excess weight, is on creating a beautiful & ...

(Originally published 26 May 2012)  When I mention suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I’m sometimes asked if I’m a veteran. (Maybe they are wondering if I’m old enough to have been a nurse in Nam.) In most people’s minds, PTSD is linked to combat. But there are other traumas, other horrors, that afflict large numbers—particularly women. Victims of abuse and violence—whether a single random act in the near past, or chronic abuse from long ago—carry emotional scars and can be triggered by situations just as easily as the combat vet who dives for cover when a car backfires. Last year, on Memorial Day, I posted a blog, My Memorial Day Dedication, which opened with this paragraph: "'Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive' was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse w...

(Originally published 19 January 2012 )   The idea for this particular blog (part of my Conquer Clutter Campaign series) came today when I was replying to a Spark Friend's email about some travel plans: "I'm envious that you are able to travel, and not work full-time. I'm not very financially savvy, and have no idea when I'll ever be able to retire! I considered a dual focus this year of organizing and finances, but the former is the greater need for now, and the most challenging. I think it may really bring me face-to-face with some of my demons, and will stand as a clear metaphor for letting go of the past and creating the life I want to live. Wow, there's so totally a blog there, waiting to be written!" I've recognized before that clutter, like excess fat, is something that weighs me down and saps my energy. Though I've realized, too, it bothers me a lot more. Over a year ago (1/26/11) in my first 3C blog, I wrote: "I'm more ashamed...

(Originally published 2 October 2011)  I lost my sweet Kenny recently. He was the joy of my heart for 16 years, from the time I could hold him in one hand. I loved being a kitty mommy for the first time, and he was sweet-tempered and affectionate. My mom passed away 6 months before Kenny came into my life, so she never knew her grandcat. I like to think of them getting to know each other as they watch over me. I only regret my mom, who lived alone, never had such a companion to share those last lonely years. During our snuggle sessions, I would often notice that expansive feeling in my heart, and I would often thank him and thank the Goddess for the blessing of having him in my life. Had my mom likewise enjoyed daily doses of affection and joy, she could have been much happier, and may have lived longer. I like to exercise and enjoy a pretty healthy diet. And I believe being Kenny's mommy has been good for my physical and emotional health as well. I'm not on a timeline to...

(Originally published 2 June 2011)  Any of you who also suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will completely understand me when I say PTSD sucks! I've done a lot of work, a lot of healing, and most of the time I do pretty dang well. I've been experiencing slow, steady success (I launched the Babysteps Brigade, after all!) here on Spark People: 35 pounds down and counting, more than halfway to my weight loss goal, making progress on the decluttering and organizing front. Yet more than 45 years after the abuse began, I can still get overwhelmed and lose it. I had an episode at work last week, and came out as a survivor to members of my work unit who didn't already know. I had an outburst in a witchcraft class two nights ago when another survivor voiced a belief that sounded to me like an attempt to justify what was done to us. I came home from that upsetting experience and did a Tarot reading (with my round multicultural, matriarchal Motherpeace deck), asking for guid...

(Originally published 30 May 2011)  "Honor all who didn't survive, and choose to thrive" was my huddle today on all my teams. While some team members mentioned the holiday, and spoke in support of veterans and remembering those who serve, I am choosing to memorialize another group of the fallen: the victims of abuse who didn't become survivors. I recently joined a Spark team for survivors of abuse. I've done intensive therapy and a lot of inner work on my own incest issues over the years. But Post Traumatic Stress can still affect me, interrupting my progress and threatening the gains I've made in my journey toward well-being, health, and wholeness. In a discussion on the survivor team, I mentioned being in a small class, in which 3 of the 4 of us had been sexually abused. One of the team leaders responded that wasn't surprising, given the large numbers of victims of sexual abuse & assault, especially in childhood. Is it any wonder so many women stru...

  (Originally published on Spark People on 22 January 2011) My own experience has proved the truth of the sentiments in my previous blog on support being a gift that blesses. Within a week of writing those words, I hit a low point brought on by largely by pain—increasingly frequent back pain and burns and blisters on my right foot (my favorite, and largest, tea mug split in half just when I poured in the boiling water, which then poured onto my foot, which luckily had a thick sock on it)—which had curtailed my exercise and led to a profound loss of energy and a discouraged, bleak frame of mind. I recognized that I was sinking into a deep hole, and that I would need assistance to get out of it. Thank the Goddess that I was smart enough and strong enough to ask for help! I huddled with all my teams as usual yesterday morning, but instead of a personalized positive message which I normally like to contribute, I admitted that I was struggling and in need of encouragement. I changed...