Amanda's Musings

(Originally published 21 February 2021)   I have struggled with clutter and organization for decades. I know there is a strong link to the childhood abuse, where I had no control over my environment. I'm learning how trauma affects brain function, which can make the process especially challenging. This is currently a primary focus of my work with a wonderful new therapist, and this document grew out of our discussions. I do a lot of internal parts work, so "we" refers to my parts collectively. Bossy happens to be one of my strongly opinionated parts. I created this document and read it before each sorting session. Pre-sorting Pep Talk Bossy’s plea (paraphrased from 2/11/21 journal entry): We’ll never create the space and environment we want and deserve if we don’t put in consistent effort. We don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to push ourselves, but it won’t ever get done if WE don’t do it ! Please. I want this for all of us. We deserve space to breathe an...

(Originally published 6 May 2020)  The whole time I was commuting up to Seattle, first with the state, then with my much better job with the county, I would journal while waiting for the bus and on my bus ride. So 5 days a week I spent 30-60 minutes to recount accomplishments from the day before, set intentions for the day, & express whatever might be going on for me. But when we began telecommuting in response to the pandemic, I didn’t have that built-in time in my schedule anymore. I switched my alarm from 5 to 6, giving myself more sleep instead. It didn’t seem that important, and there hadn’t been that much emotional content to my journaling, especially since getting my career county position with a good salary. It seemed I was rolling with all the changes due to stay at home order pretty well. The only time I was trying to journal was while waiting in lines at stores, but by going early and planning trips well, I haven’t been waiting all that much. The last Saturday in ...

(Originally published 27 September 2016)  This was my status update last night: Rats! I had this vision of rearranging some things in the living room to have what I use most often easy to get to--but now it's less accessible due to clutter that got relocated. Discouraging! I've done a lot of parts work over the years, and in my daily journaling, I have a number of pretty distinctive inner parts/voices/selves who sometimes lead different sections of our journaling sessions. One sort of junior, helping part really stepped up and spoke out this morning in relation to the previous evening's upset. Here's what she had to say: “I am woman, hear me roar!  We may have had a setback yesterday, but we are on the move. We haven't arrived yet at how we want our space to look and feel and function, but we're taking steps, we're in motion, so a big hooray for us!! And really, bringing in new energy and making a change is strong and creative . Leaving things as they ...

(Originally published 17 August 2013)  Hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I last blogged. I’ve never been an daily blogger—I wait until I have something inspiring or important to share. But I admit I’ve also gotten into that mindset that my blogs should be positive or hopeful—and that’s not really how I’ve been feeling. Life wasn’t bad. I had lost those 75 pounds over 2-plus years, I was maintaining a healthy weight and trying to focus on applying what worked with shedding the pounds with shedding that other kind of weight—the clutter in my home that has plagued me for years. Sure I’d get stressed at work, and sometimes my PTSD would get triggered, but not big time: I wasn’t miserable. Then came the pinched nerve. My arm and hand kept buzzing uncomfortably at odd times during the day, sometimes going into a dull but debilitating aching. I didn’t know what was causing it. It was getting worse, so I went to the doctor who recommended physical therapy and seeing a chiropract...

(Originally published 2 June 2011)  Any of you who also suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder will completely understand me when I say PTSD sucks! I've done a lot of work, a lot of healing, and most of the time I do pretty dang well. I've been experiencing slow, steady success (I launched the Babysteps Brigade, after all!) here on Spark People: 35 pounds down and counting, more than halfway to my weight loss goal, making progress on the decluttering and organizing front. Yet more than 45 years after the abuse began, I can still get overwhelmed and lose it. I had an episode at work last week, and came out as a survivor to members of my work unit who didn't already know. I had an outburst in a witchcraft class two nights ago when another survivor voiced a belief that sounded to me like an attempt to justify what was done to us. I came home from that upsetting experience and did a Tarot reading (with my round multicultural, matriarchal Motherpeace deck), asking for guid...